five . dollar . milkshake

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

2011-05-19T23:05:00.000-07:00

Rating: 1/2 a star

I went to go see Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides with the idea in my head that, hey, maybe Pirates 2 & Pirates 3 sucked, but the fourth one got rid of dead weight and focused the story around the real star of the show, Captain Jack Sparrow himself. Really, I tried to give it an honest chance. About forty-five minutes into the film, I tweeted something so against my nature, that it actually hurt me a bit. Rather than giving the movie a real lashing, I tried to be as positive as I could:

"Pirates4: so far, a bit unnecessary, but all in good fun."

Then a few minutes later:

"I feel it's putting too much stock in Jack Sparrow's mass appeal in lieu of depth or three dimensional characters, though."

So, after taking a monster dump in the bathroom and tweeting the above, I trudged back into the theater and sat down to finish the movie. I honestly tried. But about the time vampire mermaids showed up, I just couldn't take it anymore. I walked outside to smoke a cigarette. I tried to convince myself to walk back into that theater. And for a moment, I did. But as I stood there, staring reluctantly at the door handles, fighting against my brain to let me go back in that theater, I realized something: I couldn't do it.

Yes, this movie became the second movie in history that I've ever walked out on (the first being The Spongebob Squarepants Movie). The film never really had a chance, which sucks for those who put so much work into this movie. I do not doubt that when Gore Verbinski and Johnny Depp got the call about doing a fourth, they rolled their eyes until Disney waved a gargantuan paycheck in front of their eyes. And don't get me wrong: this movie will make a shitload of money, based on mass appeal alone. But when it comes to the long and short of it, this was a movie that didn't need to be made, and it shows.

The film opens with "Jack Sparrow" being up for execution. Sound familiar? It should. It was the exact opening of another Pirates movie. Only, this time, it isn't really Jack - it's his first mate, and Jack has kidnapped the real judge so he can break his first mate out of jail. As if escaping out of jail wasn't enough, the jailbreak goes wrong, and they're captured by King George - only to allow Jack to escape again. I'm not sure why a double escape sequence was required, nor am I sure why having Jack's father show back up for a brief cameo (when it's not even Keith Richards) was necessary, but that pretty much set the tone for the entire film.

The plot is a sequence of events that pretty much just serve to fill time. The whole first forty-five minutes of the movie are spent treading water until the actual plot takes off, and even from there, the plot relies on callbacks and popular knowledge (see: Blackbeard) in order to progress the film. From the beginning, it's action scene, followed by rapidly explained exposition in pirate lingo, then another action scene. Which would be okay, if the action scenes were worth watching, but they are tired and played out by now. We've seen swashbuckling sword fights, we've seen Jack Sparrow swinging from ropes, and we've seen just about everything else this movie has to throw at us. The film has nothing new to offer, so even its "high points" have very little to look at of honest value.

Perhaps the biggest failing, though, is in the characters. The decision to make Jack Sparrow the main character might have seemed good on paper, but the problem lies in the fact that Captain Sparrow was never designed to be a main character. He was great comic relief when Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly were on board, but as soon as you shift the spotlight to him, it becomes clear that he lacks any depth. Sparrow is as fully fleshed out as he can get: a selfish, crafty pirate who will do what it takes to accomplish his goal. There's really nowhere to take him after that, and tossing in a new love interest in the form of Penelope Cruz does nothing more than throw in another placeholder for Kiera Knightly. Depp plays the role with just as much gusto as he did in previous films, but it fails to revive a flat character and a dead script.

This film never was a good idea. From a financial standpoint, it probably was; but from a coherence standpoint, the film never stood a chance. The film was clearly made to make money, and the producers decided the best way to do that would be to cash in on the Jack Sparrow fangirls and throw in a bunch of fight scenes. The plot was only there as a convenience. Don't bother with this movie. I walked out of this one, and for a bit of context, I sat through all of Transformers 2. At least that movie was so bad you could laugh out loud. This one is just sad.

Interactive Terrorism: Fun for the Whole Family!

2009-11-16T21:15:00.000-08:00

So, I've spent the last week of my life being completely obsessed with the new Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I played it on Xbox 360 with my roommate. It may look better on the PS3, but screw that, because I already own about ten 360 games and I'll be damned if I make the switch for one game. When I wasn't playing through the Special Ops mode with my roommate, I was blasting my way through the single-player campaign, or I was talking shit to people in the massive online mode.

Typically, the game is pretty social. Online mode requires SERIOUS communication and cooperation between teammates to coordinate assaults on the enemies, flags, VIP targets, etc. Even when just playing the single player, it's not nearly as fun without someone to sit there and revel in the "HOLY SHIT!" moments with you... one of which includes piloting snowmobiles through a snow-covered mountain while escaping from an onslaught of Russian infantry. The story in single player mode is typical military fare, though I did enjoy seeing AMERICA get invaded for a change. The plot twists throughout also kept me involved in the storyline, and the narrative being told through multiple playable characters at once was also awesome.

However, even after struggling through the single-player campaign on Veteran mode (which literally caused the most creative profanities ever to flow forth from my mouth), the only thing that keeps me coming back to the game is multiplayer. Team Deathmatch, Capture the Flag, Search and Destroy... all sorts of game modes are there for your enjoyment. On top of that, getting more kills and doing better in matches means that you "level up" and get to use new weapons, new attachments (grenade launcher, etc), new camo, and it goes on and on. My favorite thing in the entire game is getting 25 kills in a row, then being able to flip open a nuclear warhead and turn the entire map into a desert to end the game. Freaking. Awesome.

I think Infinity Ward did a good job designing the game. The staged events in single player were beautiful and cinematic, and the challenges in multiplayer modes give both veteran players and newcomers alike little goals to keep the game interesting. It's not a very open-ended experience: you're pretty much confined to a certain linear path inside the game via conveniently-placed radio warnings such as "You're leaving the mission area! Turn back!", which kinda kills some of the realism... but I was so busy mowing down hordes of Russians to stop them from capturing the White House that I hardly noticed.

The one level of the game that made me drop my jaw was one called "No Russian", in which you are an undercover CIA agent, and in order to not blow your cover, you must aid a Russian ultranationalist as he opens fire in an airport and begins to slaughter hordes of innocent people. It's almost post-modern in the way you must choose to slaughter or to sit back and not fire a single shot. The implications of this level are huge: is murder of any sort okay if it's in the name of patriotism? how far is too far? Of course, nobody will consider the thought-provoking questions raised by the game and will instead freak-the-hell-out over how "violent" this is. Great... thanks, Infinity Ward, for just *handing* the anti-game politicians a cache of free ammunition.

However, with 1,000,000 players online at any given time, it is certainly a social experience. 4.7 MILLION copies were sold in its first day alone, smashing all sorts of records, including the record for highest grossing opening weekend for a film set by The Dark Knight last year. Modern Warfare 2 has proven, more than anything, that gaming is an industry that must be taken seriously. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to slay more Russians/Portuguese rebels/Traitorous Americans.

A Warhellride with Heartbreaker, Nervewracker, and Meansucker

2009-10-15T11:29:00.000-07:00

Wesley Willis was someone I had heard of before on YouTube. Let me get this out in the open first: his music annoys the hell out of me. As in, makes me want to gouge out my ears with golf pencils. It might even be a little bit of a stretch to call his "songs" actual "music". However, one look at the documentary below made me think.

After seeing this, I realized something was just... unique... about Willis. A quick Google search showed me that he was paranoid schizophrenic, as well as fighting leukemia. It explained his odd behavior in the documentary. For me, this documentary changed Wesley Willis from just some weird talentless hack to a man who used his "music" to escape from the demons that plagued him. If playing these songs allowed Willis to get away from the paranoia, then more power to him.

I think the point of this documentary was not to critique Willis' music one way or another, but instead was supposed to show the life and man behind the music. I have a feeling there are two types of Wesley Willis fans: the ones who treated him as a comedy act, and the ones who were there to support a lonely, tormented soul. He actually managed to gain a lot of support... not just from the Chicago community or his record label, but from other artists and performers as well.

Two of his songs were featured in rather popular pieces of culture. First, in the documentary Super Size Me, Willis' song "Rock and Roll McDonald's" made an appearance. Then, on the DVD for the Adult Swim show Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law, "Birdman Kicked My Ass" plays on the DVD menu. The game designers of the game Kingdom of Loathing feature an entire area as a tribute to Wesley, starring characters based off of the demons Wesley had named during his more serious bouts with paranoid schizophrenia: Heartbreaker, Nervewracker, and Meansucker. Musicians have paid attention to Willis, too: Katy Perry mentions him in her song "Simple", Blue Meanies had Willis on-stage to introduce them for a concert in Chicago, and People under the Stairs use a Willis lyric in their song "Outrun".

On top of the short YouTube documentary seen above, Willis also had two documentaries made about his life: the first was the 2003 The Daddy of Rock 'N' Roll which followed Willis on the bus, at Kinko's writing a song, at a concert, and more. The 2008 documentary Wesley Willis' Joy Rides focused on his impact after his death. Willis' life sincerely impacted some, fascinated others... and definitely caused him to be remembered. Maybe you hadn't heard of Wesley Willis before reading this blog or watching this video, but chances are... you'll remember him now.

G-20 x 5

2009-09-24T10:20:00.000-07:00

The G-20 summit is nigh, and apparently, so is the apocalypse. While summit leaders will discuss how to stabilize the global economy in Pittsburgh, protesters and rioters are already lining the streets to wreak havoc on the assembly. According to CBS News, some businesses are already boarding up their windows.

I found five different news outlets reporting on this. In addition to NPR and CBS, local affiliate WRAL and the London Times have reported on the story. Oh, and don't forget Reuters. Everyone seems to be focusing on the actual on-goings of the summit, except for CBS, who is reporting pretty much solely on the violence expected at the summit. Ah, sensationalism at its finest.

I found that the radio report on the summit seemed very even-handed and optimistic, whereas the CBS television report was more focused on the dramatic imagery of the violent protest from the last G-20 in Chicago. The text reports all seemed to be very even-handed as well. I suppose the radio report allowed for interviews and such, and the television report was focused on the violence because they could get a visceral reaction from the viewer that way. All of them seemed to use fairly standard journalist language, and since this is reporting on an event, most of them didn't use a lot of quotes or interviews. The TV report actually had the most interviews with Pittsburgh police and security officials, whereas the rest of the reports seemed to be "fluff".

I don't mean "fluff" as in the typical use of "Oh! Look! Some Grandma Downtown just made the world's largest bowl of chili!" Quite frankly, fluff stories to me are ones that don't drum up any talk, thought, or controversy and just plainly report on happenings. I know, I know: how conventional, right? But to me, this summit happening doesn't interest me... but the result of it will. I found these stories to be fairly redundant and packed with the same details over and over. *Yawn* WHERE'S MY VIOLENCE AND SEX, DAMMIT?

How To Dismantle Microsoft's Entire Marketing Campaign

2009-09-09T14:47:00.000-07:00

When it comes down to it, whether you hate or love Apple, they have possibly the best marketing team out there. When you enter an Apple Store, it's like walking into some sci-fi set from Blade Runner. Likewise, their ads are always simple, yet effective, and pack a powerful punch. Today, I'll be talking about a specific ad from the "Get a Mac" series, called "Bean Counter".

You've no doubt seen the infamous Get a Mac ads. They're everywhere and have been around since 2006. In fact, the Get a Mac ads were doing such big damage to Microsoft's revenue, M$ had to fire back with an ad campaign of its own. The dubious "Laptop Hunter" ads had average Americans going shopping for a laptop; and of course, they all ended up buying Windows-based laptops over Apple's MacBooks. The idea is that they can find exactly what they want for cheaper than an Apple computer, and in doing so, they get it for free because Microsoft pays them for it. Of course, the ad campaign cost Microsoft over $300 million.

And that's where Apple fires back. I've actually enjoyed the volleying back and forth (though a primary rule in advertising is for the dominant party never to acknowledge the little guy). With a whole slew of new commercials, Apple completely derailed Microsoft's huge ad campaign. The point of the "Bean Counter" ad is that while they're spending millions on fighting Apple's ads, they could be using that money to actually fix the multitude of problems with Vista. In the commercial, PC is played by John Hodgman. He wears a dull suit, big glasses, and reeks of the old past. Mac is played by Justin Long and is young and hip. PC uses his computer for spreadsheets and number-crunching, Mac uses his computer for blogging, web-surfing, making videos, and music.

The stark contrast is what has worked so well for the Get a Mac campaign in the past, and now that Microsoft is actually fighting back, Apple isn't taking it lying down. They've fought back with ads like Bean Counter (above) and Elimination (below). The ads appeal to anyone who has been frustrated with Windows at any point. The one below seems more of a direct attempt to grab new customers, whereas the one above seems solely to be directed at Microsoft in an attempt to piss them off even more and take a dump all over their expensive ad campaign. The demographic I expect to be most influenced by this commercial would be the 18-34 range, since that is the age displayed by the "cool" Mac in the commercial, whereas the PC is older, probably in his 40s or 50s and is "out of touch".

The ads show no signs of slowing down, and I plan on enjoying the back and forth as it escalates. Oh, and here's the "Elimination" ad I mentioned before:

This Is Your Brain On Rachael Leigh Cooke

2009-09-09T14:06:00.000-07:00

First, allow me to say that this :30 PSA is enough to make me never want to invite Rachael Leigh Cooke over to cook. Or do anything in my kitchen, for that matter.

The PSA was sponsored by the infamous Office of National Drug Control Policy. You know, those guys who do the PSAs about pot where the dog is so very disappointed with the kid smoking a joint. Or the one where the kid is flattened like a pancake because of weed. Or the one where the kid smokes pot and then has to take off like a thousand t-shirts. Yeah, you know them. Well, unlike their other attempts, this one is actually a PSA that's not against weed, it's against the worst drug of them all: heroin.

This is my favorite anti-drug PSA of all time for a number of reasons. First, Rachael Leigh Cooke is hot. Second, it is quite possibly the most effective PSA I've seen. The way they start out slow and cliché then ramp up the intensity always leaves me silent and stunned when I'm done watching. It has quite the emotional appeal: just look how angry she is when she's smashing the kitchen to pieces. The metaphor of the egg at first falls flat, but as she begins to shatter everything around her and calls out what she is shattering (Friends, dreams, future, etc.) you start to see the picture. The intensity displayed by Cooke is what sells the whole thing.

All PSA writers should take note: this is how you communicate a message to someone. The short message: Don't Do Heroin. The long message: You Will Royally F%$k Up Your Life If You Do Heroin. I had never really ever considered doing heroin, but after seeing this, I'm sure as hell never even letting the thought cross my mind. Age-wise, I think this PSA can appeal to all age groups. Mindset-wise, I believe this PSA will appeal to people like me who usually roll their eyes and scoff at the cutesy/clever-but-really-not-clever slogans that anti-drug PSAs try to use (I'm looking at you, cartoon dog), because it's not trying to be clever or witty about the message. This is as in-your-face as it gets, and it's very effective.

Oh, and it helps to have a super hot actress as your spokesperson.

Who Watches Big Brother?

2009-08-26T10:35:00.000-07:00

So, let's start this off with a guilty confession: I watch Big Brother. Yes, I know, it's only like one step above The Real World, and I'd usually say that reality television is what is destroying this country (see: Rock of Love Bus aka The Rolling Brothel), but I'll be damned if Big Brother isn't one of the most addicting television shows. I enjoy the gameplay aspect of it: one giant game where people are the players and the whole world is watching. Kinda Roman Coliseum-ish, yeah?

Anyway, most of the commercials that aired were either car commercials or spots for other CBS television shows. The commercial I'm choosing to focus on, however, is a TV spot for Quentin Tarantino's newest film, Inglourious Basterds. The spot was only thirty seconds long, and featured Brad Pitt voicing over the trailer and giving the synopsis of the film: a special team is assembled, dropped into France as civilians, and their only mission is to kill Nazis. Having seen the film, I think it's a very watered down description of the actual movie, but this approach seems to be the most guaranteed way to get asses in the seats.

It's obvious that Big Brother 11 was chosen because it is the number one program on Sundays in the Adults 18-49 demographic. Seeing as how the film is rated 'R', this is exactly the demographic they want: they don't want to advertise to kids, and somehow, I don't think a film centered around a group of Nazi hunters is going to appeal to the old fogies. What I find clever, however, is that the quick TV spot makes the film appear to be an action movie. Almost every shot involves gunfire of some sort. However, the film itself is more like a character dramedy with bursts of action peppered in here and there. It goes to show you that our culture is more likely to go see a movie that guarantees they'll see Nazis getting ripped to shreds than go see a film that is about a young Jewish girl escaping Nazi persecution and striving for revenge.

Media Writing Blogs

2009-08-20T13:03:00.001-07:00

So, I haven't used this thing in awhile, but I'm going to start using it again. I'll have frequent blog posts per the class requirement for my Electronic Media Writing class at NCSU this semester, so hopefully not only will I get good grades on them, you'll find them mildly amusing.

Speaking of this semester at NCSU, my schedule kicks ass.

Except for P.E.

Screw that class.

The 'Perfect' Inaugural Speech, As Written by the GOP...

2008-09-11T11:23:00.000-07:00

This is an actual forwarded e-mail I received from a member of the GOP, and apparently it's going around like wildfire among the e-mailing capable members of the GOP. At first I was just like "Okay, this isn't so bad", but just read the whole thing. Are they being serious about some of this? Or are they just spreading it around as a joke.

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S.
PRESIDENTAL CANDIDATE, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN, GIVE THE FOLLOWING
SPEECH?

'My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the
Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on
this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of
all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30
days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names
of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This
list is short. The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and
Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains every one not on the first list.
Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be
distributing copies of both lists later this evening..

Let me start by saying that effective immediately,
foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and
indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty
much pay for the costs of the Iraqi20war. THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER
IT'll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS.

The American people are no longer going to pour money
into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat
on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic?
Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to
redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still
have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw
with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends
from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France
or maybe China.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic
relations with France , Germany , and Russia . Thanks for all your help,
comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bonne chance, mez amies.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin
towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more
than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be
stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty
pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets.
Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and
limos be turned over to some of the fine st chop shops in the world. I
love New York!

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2.
Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks
might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. Its president and his entire
corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a
couple extra thousand tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess
where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the
NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway.. Immediately, we'll
be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's
oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes
this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move
there.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and
its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by
saying, 'damn tootin.'

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent
life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just
about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in
America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. To the nations
on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you an d we won't
forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might
want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America . Thank you and good night.'

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are
reading it in English, thank a soldier.

(Please forward this to at least ten friends and see
what happens! Let's get this to every USA computer!)

Who Will Nolan Choose in Batman Begins 3?

2008-07-20T16:54:00.001-07:00

Christopher Nolan has a knack for picking amazing actors to play the villains in his Batman movies. First, we were treated to Liam Neeson as Ra's al Ghul and Cillian Murphy as Dr. Jonathan "Scarecrow" Crane in Batman Begins. Then, we were blown away by the performance of Heath Ledger as the Joker, and Aaron Eckhart put out an incredible effort as Harvey "Two-Face" Dent. Now, with rumors of a third film flying around, you have to wonder... just who will Nolan choose for his villain(s) in the third film? Time to take a look at who would work, who wouldn't, and who Nolan will probably choose.

THESE GUYS ARE OUT

Penguin
As Nolan said in an interview with Esquire magazine,

"'I'd be more excited to have Philip Seymour Hoffman in the film than to have the Penguin. There are certain characters that are easier to mesh with the more real take on Batman we're doing. The Penguin would be tricky."

I guess we won't be seeing him in a Batman movie as long as Nolan is at the helm... hey, wait a second... Hoffman as Penguin would be awesome!

Catwoman
Personally, I think Nolan could make Catwoman work incredibly well. Unfortunately, his brother has already shot down any chance of either Catwoman or Penguin making an appearance in the third film. Just imagine

The Joker
Heath Ledger, God rest him, gave the performance of a lifetime in The Dark Knight. Nolan has stated he will not be recasting the Joker, nor would he ever. So there's that one.

Two-Face
For obvious reasons evident in The Dark Knight, there's not much of a chance Two-Face could be in the third film. That's all I'll say for fear of spoiling it for one of the twelve people left out there who haven't seen The Dark Knight.

Harley Quinn
Since The Joker is kind of, you know, essential to Harley Quinn's story... and since Nolan has already gone on the record as saying he won't recast The Joker... it makes Harley Quinn's chances of showing up slim-to-none. Such a shame, too, because I think Nolan would have fun casting Harley... would he go with demented in his portrayal and nab someone like Helena Bonham Carter? Or would he go with the more striking beauty and try to get someone like Marion Cotillard or Fairuza Balk? I guess we'll never know.

THESE GUYS SHOULDN'T HAPPEN

Talia al Ghul
Somebody is going to shoot me for this one, but I think trying to bring in Talia into one movie and use her as a villain would be rather... boring. ESPECIALLY after such amazing performances from the two villains in The Dark Knight. Better to leave her dead and buried, along with Ra's.

The Riddler
As much as Joel Schumacher sucks, I think Jim Carrey provided the penultimate performance of The Riddler (TLJ as Two-Face... not so much). Not to mention, bringing in The Riddler immediately after The Joker exits stage right seems like an ill-fated move. The Riddler is a bit too similar for The Joker, not to mention there's very little places left to take The Riddler, and we don't want it to seem like re-hash now, do we? The only way I could possibly accept this is if Nolan, by some miraculous work, was able to convince Johnny Depp or Michael Emerson to sign on to the project. THEN we'd have a real villain in the works...

Poison Ivy
LEAVE. HER. DEAD. End of that.

Mr. Freeze
Thanks to Ah-Nold, I'm left with the burning image in my mind of Mr. Freeze as an Eastern European bodybuilder. Not to mention, the character of Mr. Freeze is a bit far-fetched. I don't really see how Nolan could translate Freeze into his world without completely destroying everything he has worked to build in Batman Begins and The Dark Knight.

THESE GUYS HAVE POTENTIAL

Ventriloquist
He's one of the more underrated villains in the Batman universe, and despite being corny and cheesy on the cartoons I loved so dearly as a child... there is a definite way to make him fit into the Nolan universe. Some random guy with dissociative identity disorder who never speaks unless through his ventriloquist dummy? I think Nolan could make that work, especially if we got to see someone interesting playing the part of Ventriloquist *and* doing the voice of Scarface, the Dummy. Someone like Tobin Bell... or, in a perfect world, Malcolm McDowell. It's been awhile since Malcolm has explored a psychologically deprived character like Alex from A Clockwork Orange, and Ventriloquist could really kick the series into a whole different stratosphere if done correctly.

Black Mask
Nolan may have to tweak the backstory a little bit to make it more believable, but having Black Mask as a henchman of sorts to some kind of overboss might not be such a bad idea. He's an interesting villain, or at least, he could be if done correctly.

Bane
I refuse to acknowledge the existence of Bane on film. EVER. Don't bring it up. Bane was one of Batman's most intelligent villains, as well as his most physically challenging. I've seen mentions of Javier Bardem turning up as Bane, which could work, especially if they had Bane break Batman's back and let chaos run rampant in Gotham for a year or so while Batman recovers. Then the film jumps forward, and Batman goes out to clean up the city. This could be where multiple villains pop up in the city as underbosses, and the film can climax in the fight between Bane and Batman. The biggest problem with Bane, however, is trying to top a performance like Ledger's Joker. Bardem might be able to do it, but it would require some fancy scriptwriting from the Nolan brothers.

The Hangman
Also a very overlooked villain in the Batman franchises, The Hangman could work in making Nolan's film even darker. I'd only be happy for The Hangman to appear, however, if she (yes, SHE) was in the movie with Two-Face. It's the only way to end the Hangman's storyline correctly, and plus I feel like Two-Face deserves a return. Since Hangman never really gets caught (until the end of the story), it wouldn't matter who was cast as The Hangman.

Well, that's all I've got for the time being. Nolan's going to face some pretty hard challenges in finding villains for the rumored third film. Post with your own feedback/opinions.

"Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends" by Coldplay: EARLY REVIEW

2008-06-06T09:47:00.000-07:00

Album Review: "Viva La Vida or Death and all His Friends" - Coldplay
10/10

As I sit here staring at a blank document, I wonder a couple of things. I'm wondering how I'm going to study for my history exam tomorrow, I'm wondering if I have enough money to get more than one dollar menu cheeseburger from McDonald's, and I'm wondering if people are going to realize exactly how huge "Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends" by Coldplay is going to be.

It has been three years since we've heard from the London boys, and in that time they've gone through quite a few changes. Decked out with French Revolution imagery and splashed with oil paint, the new album lands on our doorsteps in a year without any remarkable albums - and I'm more than happy to say Coldplay have outdone themselves with this one. But before I go any further...

"Mainstream music sucks, Coldplay is for sissies, and we're a bunch of pretentious bastards. [Insert more trite jibberish here]."

There. Now I've written the Pitchfork review for the album too.

Brian Eno's influence on the album is evident from the first few seconds of the first track, "Life In Technicolor". The track opens up with some ambient loops before opening up into a grand, sweeping instrumental. Even from the lyric-less first track, the album foreshadows itself as being something to remember. The relatively short opening track quickly fades into the classic-yet-now-haunting combination of Chris Martin and the piano. Martin croons "The night over London hangs" as the boys burst into a U2-esque fit-for-an-arena anthem with "Cemeteries of London". In an almost ironic twist, the dark and gloomy track is overlayed with handclaps and chants. The song lingers for a moment after the end as Martin throws out a couple measures of more haunting piano.

The album takes a complete mood swing with "Lost!", a track driven by reggae beats and almost tribal-sounding drum beats. The song flirts with an almost cliché overtone the whole time, but still remains original. Martin sings "I just got lost/Every river that you tried to cross/Every door you ever tried was locked". Jonny Buckland's guitar work takes center stage for Coldplay's version of a guitar solo. Perhaps the biggest change on the album so far is Coldplay's shift from being the Chris Martin Show to being a full band. "42" is definitely the album centerpiece. It's a three part epic, beginning with Nightmare Before Christmas-sounding piano and vocals, changing to an industrial-sounding breakdown with screeching guitar and an overpowering bassline, then ends with everything coming together as Martin proclaims "You thought you might be a ghost/You didn't get to Heaven but you made it close". It's impossible not to see the similarities to Radiohead with this song... but I urge you not to think of it like that. The song comes around full circle as the last verse closes with just Martin and the creepy piano again, along with some trippy lyrics "Those who are dead are not dead/They're just living in my head".

After a song that intense, Coldplay let their Win Butler-show with "Lovers In Japan", a song that borrows heavily from Arcade Fire's "Funeral". Perhaps most evident here is Martin's improved songwriting ability as he yells "They are turning my head out/To see what I'm all about", sounding almost like Coldplay's subtle stab at the government. "Lovers In Japan" definitively ends and the second song on the track, "Reign Of Love", promptly begins with Martin's peaceful, rippling piano. This is the one song on the album where Coldplay return to their "Parachutes" roots, as if just to say "Yeah, we've still got that, too". Damn right they do.

"Yes" is just past the halfway mark on the album. Martin's low register vocals and the Eastern sounding instruments set the stage for Coldplay's very mature take on sex, a subject completely non-existant on Coldplay's albums until now. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that Martin was a virgin until age 22? Even still, it's at this point you realize the album seems to be Coldplay trying to be everything to everyone and passing with flying colors. Not only could they never decide on the official title of the album, they apparently couldn't decide which musical genre to go with. The hidden track "Chinese Sleep Chant" is perhaps the only flaw on the album. Martin mumbles incoherently under overpowering guitars that doesn't fail so much as it falls off in comparison with the rest of the album.

"Viva La Vida" is perhaps the one song everybody has heard by now thanks to a certain iTunes advertisement and Apple's penchant for flooding the major TV stations with their commercials. The song is certainly a titan, even after hearing it for weeks before the album's official release. Here, the band employs the use of bells, nifty little synthesizers, and a large string section to tell the tale of a dethroned, greedy King, who now has to "sleep alone" and "sweep the streets [he] used to own". "Viva La Vida" is perhaps the most focused track on the album, and also is the strongest use of Martin's religious imagery found almost everywhere on the album. The first single from the album "Violet Hill" is next on the list, and honestly after hearing the rest of the album it's kind of a low point. It's safe to say "Violet Hill" is the song most unlike the rest of the songs, with Martin writing somewhat cliché lyrics and the boys in the band half-assing it with their parts. Fortunately for Coldplay, even when they half-ass it, it sounds amazing.

"Strawberry Swing" is where Will Champion, drummer, steps forward and shows just how much he's improved. The African-sounding drums provide the backbone to Jonny's sweeping, even "swinging" (lolpun) guitar in the background. Martin paints the picture of summer, singing about a perfect day spent staring at the sky, be it grey or blue. Lyrics aside, the rest of the band arguably outshines Martin for the first time in the history of the band, finally fulfilling the long time request of most Coldplay fans: "Be a band, not three guys and a guy who's married to Gwenyth Paltrow". The album ends on a high note with "Death and All His Friends" as Martin serenades the ear with a beautiful piano ballad. The song breaks down after a bit, borrowing a tiny smidge from the band's opener from "A Rush of Blood to the Head", "Politik". The song wraps up as Martin joins in with a male choir screaming out "I don't want to battle from beginning to end/I don't want a cycle of recycled revenge/I don't wanna follow death and all of his friends". In a symbolic manner the song talks about not wanting to die, and the hidden track "The Escapist" comes in to describe finally "making our escape". The last hidden track takes the sample loop from the beginning of "Life in Technicolor", closing the album on the same note on which it started.

If you want to spring for the iTunes version of the album, you'll get acoustic versions of "Lost!" and "Lovers In Japan" that will knock your socks off as well. Not only is this my pick for the best album of this year so far, it's my pick for the best album I've heard since "Funeral" by Arcade Fire. After the "X&Y" debacle, it's finally acceptable to be a Coldplay fan again. I think the 40-Year-Old Virgin joke is old now, isn't it? In any case, if you're not a Coldplay fan yet, you need to either become one fast or move to a different planet, because they're about to take over in ways we can't even imagine. People have been speculating about who the next global phenom will be to follow in the footsteps of the greats like U2, Rolling Stones, or Zeppelin. Coldplay have answered that burning question for us with "Viva La Vida and Death and All His Friends". From the ingenious use of religious imagery to the incredible range of musical styles, this is one for the album. U2 can finally pass off their "Biggest Band in the World" torch. All hail Coldplay.

ALBUM RATING: 10

SONG RATINGS:
LIFE IN TECHNICOLOR: 10
CEMETERIES OF LONDON: 10
LOST!: 9
42: 10
LOVERS IN JAPAN: 10
REIGN OF LOVE: 10
YES: 10
CHINESE SLEEP CHANT: 8
VIVA LA VIDA: 10
VIOLET HILL: 8
STRAWBERRY SWING: 10
DEATH AND ALL HIS FRIENDS: 10
THE ESCAPIST: 9

Retro Review: "Funeral" by Arcade Fire

2008-04-21T19:30:00.000-07:00

This Canadian sextet flew under the radar until 2004, when they exploded onto the scene with their debut LP, Funeral. From the moment I first listened to these guys, I realized this was something special. A few openers for U2, an endorsement from Chris Martin as "the greatest band in the history of music", a TIME magazine cover story, and a debut at #2 on Billboard's sales chart launched them into the spotlight and brought us last year's Album of the Year, Neon Bible.

But without Funeral, there would be no Neon Bible. I can't think of any other debut album that blew me away this much, at least not off the top of my head. It received rave reviews from tons of media outlets, including a 9.7 from the notoriously elitist and harsh Pitchfork media. So what makes this album so great? It's the layers. All of the band's. talent, creativity, anger, mournfulness, sorrow, pain, and frustration is interwoven into the music. Every riff, every syllable, every bass line, every drum beat can be broken down and analyzed time after time, giving the album unlimited replay-ability.

The album opener, "Neighbourhood #1 (Tunnels)", rattles the album to life with all the majesty of the first scene in a spectacular broadway show. The swirling pianos enter stage right, the waving strings enter stage left, and Win's voice solidifies the song. It's a perfect opener, giving the listener a peek at what Arcade Fire has in store for them. This was the first song I ever heard by Arcade Fire, and all I could think when I heard it was "The potential for epic here is massive".

Funeral continues its triumphant march through the unique-but-now-familiar sound of "Neighbourhood #2 (Laika)". Accordions, among other unique instruments, make the band's second track a hit. The lyrics are simple yet complex, telling the story of a boy named Alex and his attempt to escape the confines of his neighbourhood. The album soars onward from there, giving us a change of pace with "Une Année Sans Lumiére", where the band gives Regine a chance to sing to us about her homeland-in-turmoil Haiti.

The album then hits one of its highest points as the made-for-arenas “Neighbourhood #3 (Power Out)” explodes through the speakers with a menacing guitar assault. The song continues to build up to an incredible conclusion, and you can literally feel the sincerity and passion of each instrument being played and each word being sung. Butler’s complex lyrics regarding dealing with loss and apathy in the world does not leave us without hope, he instead gives us a call to arms in the chorus (“And the power’s out in the heart of man/ Take it from your heart, put it in your hand”) arouses intense feelings from a wide range of emotions every time I listen to it. To this day, Power Out remains one of their top three songs, and it’s obvious to hear why.

“Neighbourhood #4 (7 Kettles)” finishes the “neighborhood” imagery on the album, and still remains one of my favorite songs lyrically. A beautiful string arrangement and acoustic guitar provide the backing for this song, but Win’s vocals really take the front stage. Tragic and poetic lyrics talk about watching time pass while hoping for change, and not getting anything but death (“Time keeps creeping through the neighborhood/ Killing old folks, waking up babies just like we knew it would”). The song goes on to talk about the way people (as individuals) seem to have lost the true meaning of life and faith, as is made evident when Win sings “There’s some Spirit I used to know/ That’s been drowned out by the radio”. Such a beautiful song that often goes overlooked on the album.

After the remarkable first five tracks, “Crown of Love” comes along and really slows things down. It’s not a bad song by any means, but it’s just not Arcade Fire’s best. Still a great listen, though, as a constantly cycling pianos and violins cast a haunting shadow on Win Butler’s entrancing vocals and it features truly one of the better string arrangements the group has ever done.

“Wake Up” is perhaps the most uncharacteristically Arcade Fire-ish song on the album, as it is dominated by an overarching drum beat and a distorted guitar riff that repeats throughout the whole song. Win’s vocals aren’t as haunting as chilling as before, now they are more defiant and angered. Win lashes out in a sense against those in society who have taught him not to feel and to become completely numb. The lyrics tell the story of a child who is told not to feel emotions or cry, and as he grows up his heart fills up with nothing but apathy, and his apathy gets the best of him as Win screams out to a generation “We’re just a million little gods causing rainstorms/ Turning every good thing to rust”. It’s another one of those wake up calls to our society, and the track is aptly named.

“Haiti” is sung in part English and part French, but entirely by Regine. Her voice is beautiful and poignant, providing us with a harrowing look into the horrors of living in Haiti, the country her parents fled from in the 1960’s.

The single strongest track on this album, and the resident album titan is “Rebellion (Lies)” by Arcade Fire. A hard, driving bassline and drum beat really propel this song forward from the start, until we are introduced to an intoxicating piano that drones on for the entire song. Win gently warns us in the song not to buy into the lies and scare stories that society tell us, and that everything isn’t quite as bad as it seems. Perhaps the single most addicting part of this song comes when Win croons “Everytime you close your eyes” with a spirited response from a slightly off-pitch choir screaming out “Lies! Lies!” The back and forth is quite astonishing, and the rest of the song and the conclusion are simply breathtaking.

The final song on the album, “In the Backseat”, features a lingering piano arrangement blanketed on top of Regine’s moving vocals. The song talks simply about growing up when tragedy strikes and thus “learning to drive” after years of enjoying “the peace in the backseat”. A beautiful string arrangement overpowers the end of the song in a good way, building up to a collaboration of instruments literally drowning out Regine’s tale of tragedy. It’s quite poetic from a musical, as well as lyrical, standpoint. If you ever listen to this song when you’re down and don’t feel like shedding a tear, you don’t have a heart.

The album as a whole is a slightly upbeat and lighthearted look at tragedy, as it was influenced by three deaths of relatives of bandmembers. Arcade Fire avoids the “emo” pitfalls that most bands fall into when talking about death and manages to not only create deep and thought-provoking lyrics, but also create melodies and arrangements that are completely unique and original. There has never been anybody quite like Arcade Fire, and, in my personal opinion, there never will be.

TRACK RATING BREAKDOWN:
Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels) – 5
Neighborhood #2 (Laika) – 5
Une Année Sans Lumiére – 4
Neighborhood #3 (Power Out) – 5
Neighborhood #4 (7 Kettles) – 5
Crown of Love – 4
Wake Up – 5
Haiti – 5
Rebellion (Lies) – 5
In The Back Seat – 5

AVERAGE SONG SCORE: 4.8 out of 5

Sucks to have these parents.

2008-04-20T13:40:00.001-07:00

No internet except on Fridays and Saturdays? Wow. How 1990's of them.

flickr | digg story

Top 40 Radiohead Songs

2008-04-08T13:09:00.001-07:00

This has been sitting around on my desktop for weeks, figured I might as well post it.

1. Karma Police
2. Paranoid Android
3. Creep
4. 2+2=5 (The Lukewarm)
5. 15 Step
6. Lucky
7. Everything In Its Right Place
8. All I Need
9. Idioteque
10. Videotape
11. Morning Bell
12. Fake Plastic Trees
13. Exit Music (For A Film)
14. Go to Sleep.
15. Weird Fishes/Arpeggi
16. High and Dry
17. Airbag
18. Pyramid Song
19. The National Anthem
20. Motion Picture Soundtrack
21. Subterranean Homesick Alien
22. Bodysnatchers
23. A Wolf at the Door
24. Bullet Proof…I Wish I Was
25. Myxomatosis
26. How to Disappear Completely
27. Nude
28. Morning Bell/Amnesiac
29. Reckoner
30. Like Spinning Plates
31. There There.
32. Sit Down. Stand up.
33. No Surprises
34. Knives Out
35. Pulk/Pull Revolving Doors
36. Street Spirit (Fade Out)
37. Packt Like Sardines in a Crushd Tin Box
38. Black Star
39. You and Whose Army?
40. In Limbo

Best to Worst: Radiohead Albums

2008-04-08T12:42:00.000-07:00

BEST TO WORST: RADIOHEAD ALBUMS (Statistical Breakdown)

1. OK Computer

Best Song : Karma Police
Worst Song : Electioneering
Total Songs : 12
Total Stars : 51
Average Song Rating : 4.3

2. In Rainbows

Best Song : 15 Step
Worst Song: Faust Arp
Total Songs : 10
Total Stars : 41
***Average Song Rating : 4.1***

3. Kid A

Best Song : Everything In Its Right Place
Worst Song: Kid A
Total Songs : 10
Total Stars : 39
***Average Song Rating : 3.9***

4. Amnesiac

Best Song : Pyramid Song
Worst Song : Hunting Bears
Total Songs : 11
Total Stars : 41
***Average Song Rating : 3.7***

5. Hail to the Thief

Best Song : 2+2=5
Worst Song : The Gloaming
Total Songs : 14
Total Stars : 52
***Average Song Rating : 3.7***

6. The Bends

Best Song : Fake Plastic Trees
Worst Song : Bones
Total Songs : 12
Total Stars : 42
***Average Song Rating : 3.5***

7. Pablo Honey

Best Song : Creep
Worst Song : Prove Yourself
Total Songs : 12
Total Stars : 35
***Average Song Rating : 2.9***

Xbox Live Rips Me Off for 1240 Gamer Points

2008-04-02T15:29:00.000-07:00

Just a quick word of warning to everyone out there:

If you, like me, do not have Xbox Live access but still want to download content for games, you're out of luck. I recently went to my friend's dorm since he has internet access to download two Rock Band packs, the Grateful Dead pack for 800 points and the Nine Inch Nails pack for 440 points.

Apparently, even though I used my harddrive to download the songs, I cannot use the songs on my console unless I am connected to Xbox Live. This makes things hard for me, seeing as how I do not have Xbox Live connection.

I talked to a "customer support agent", who simply told me that 1) The songs are registered to my friend's console, 2) I cannot redownload the packs on my console, and 3) They cannot refund me any money or gamer points. I even asked to be refunded 1000 Gamerpoints via gift card, not even the full 1240 they owe me, and I was told no. So I got connected to a supervisor, and she just told me the same thing.

So now I'm screwed until my lease is up and I can find an apartment with an actual connection to the network. Just a warning to anyone who is in a similar situation to me - don't get criminally robbed by Microsoft and their shady TOS.