Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Rating: 1/2 a star

I went to go see Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides with the idea in my head that, hey, maybe Pirates 2 & Pirates 3 sucked, but the fourth one got rid of dead weight and focused the story around the real star of the show, Captain Jack Sparrow himself. Really, I tried to give it an honest chance. About forty-five minutes into the film, I tweeted something so against my nature, that it actually hurt me a bit. Rather than giving the movie a real lashing, I tried to be as positive as I could:

"Pirates4: so far, a bit unnecessary, but all in good fun."

Then a few minutes later:

"I feel it's putting too much stock in Jack Sparrow's mass appeal in lieu of depth or three dimensional characters, though."

So, after taking a monster dump in the bathroom and tweeting the above, I trudged back into the theater and sat down to finish the movie. I honestly tried. But about the time vampire mermaids showed up, I just couldn't take it anymore. I walked outside to smoke a cigarette. I tried to convince myself to walk back into that theater. And for a moment, I did. But as I stood there, staring reluctantly at the door handles, fighting against my brain to let me go back in that theater, I realized something: I couldn't do it.

Yes, this movie became the second movie in history that I've ever walked out on (the first being The Spongebob Squarepants Movie). The film never really had a chance, which sucks for those who put so much work into this movie. I do not doubt that when Gore Verbinski and Johnny Depp got the call about doing a fourth, they rolled their eyes until Disney waved a gargantuan paycheck in front of their eyes. And don't get me wrong: this movie will make a shitload of money, based on mass appeal alone. But when it comes to the long and short of it, this was a movie that didn't need to be made, and it shows.

The film opens with "Jack Sparrow" being up for execution. Sound familiar? It should. It was the exact opening of another Pirates movie. Only, this time, it isn't really Jack - it's his first mate, and Jack has kidnapped the real judge so he can break his first mate out of jail. As if escaping out of jail wasn't enough, the jailbreak goes wrong, and they're captured by King George - only to allow Jack to escape again. I'm not sure why a double escape sequence was required, nor am I sure why having Jack's father show back up for a brief cameo (when it's not even Keith Richards) was necessary, but that pretty much set the tone for the entire film.

The plot is a sequence of events that pretty much just serve to fill time. The whole first forty-five minutes of the movie are spent treading water until the actual plot takes off, and even from there, the plot relies on callbacks and popular knowledge (see: Blackbeard) in order to progress the film. From the beginning, it's action scene, followed by rapidly explained exposition in pirate lingo, then another action scene. Which would be okay, if the action scenes were worth watching, but they are tired and played out by now. We've seen swashbuckling sword fights, we've seen Jack Sparrow swinging from ropes, and we've seen just about everything else this movie has to throw at us. The film has nothing new to offer, so even its "high points" have very little to look at of honest value.

Perhaps the biggest failing, though, is in the characters. The decision to make Jack Sparrow the main character might have seemed good on paper, but the problem lies in the fact that Captain Sparrow was never designed to be a main character. He was great comic relief when Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly were on board, but as soon as you shift the spotlight to him, it becomes clear that he lacks any depth. Sparrow is as fully fleshed out as he can get: a selfish, crafty pirate who will do what it takes to accomplish his goal. There's really nowhere to take him after that, and tossing in a new love interest in the form of Penelope Cruz does nothing more than throw in another placeholder for Kiera Knightly. Depp plays the role with just as much gusto as he did in previous films, but it fails to revive a flat character and a dead script.

This film never was a good idea. From a financial standpoint, it probably was; but from a coherence standpoint, the film never stood a chance. The film was clearly made to make money, and the producers decided the best way to do that would be to cash in on the Jack Sparrow fangirls and throw in a bunch of fight scenes. The plot was only there as a convenience. Don't bother with this movie. I walked out of this one, and for a bit of context, I sat through all of Transformers 2. At least that movie was so bad you could laugh out loud. This one is just sad.

Interactive Terrorism: Fun for the Whole Family!

So, I've spent the last week of my life being completely obsessed with the new Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I played it on Xbox 360 with my roommate. It may look better on the PS3, but screw that, because I already own about ten 360 games and I'll be damned if I make the switch for one game. When I wasn't playing through the Special Ops mode with my roommate, I was blasting my way through the single-player campaign, or I was talking shit to people in the massive online mode.

Typically, the game is pretty social. Online mode requires SERIOUS communication and cooperation between teammates to coordinate assaults on the enemies, flags, VIP targets, etc. Even when just playing the single player, it's not nearly as fun without someone to sit there and revel in the "HOLY SHIT!" moments with you... one of which includes piloting snowmobiles through a snow-covered mountain while escaping from an onslaught of Russian infantry. The story in single player mode is typical military fare, though I did enjoy seeing AMERICA get invaded for a change. The plot twists throughout also kept me involved in the storyline, and the narrative being told through multiple playable characters at once was also awesome.

However, even after struggling through the single-player campaign on Veteran mode (which literally caused the most creative profanities ever to flow forth from my mouth), the only thing that keeps me coming back to the game is multiplayer. Team Deathmatch, Capture the Flag, Search and Destroy... all sorts of game modes are there for your enjoyment. On top of that, getting more kills and doing better in matches means that you "level up" and get to use new weapons, new attachments (grenade launcher, etc), new camo, and it goes on and on. My favorite thing in the entire game is getting 25 kills in a row, then being able to flip open a nuclear warhead and turn the entire map into a desert to end the game. Freaking. Awesome.

I think Infinity Ward did a good job designing the game. The staged events in single player were beautiful and cinematic, and the challenges in multiplayer modes give both veteran players and newcomers alike little goals to keep the game interesting. It's not a very open-ended experience: you're pretty much confined to a certain linear path inside the game via conveniently-placed radio warnings such as "You're leaving the mission area! Turn back!", which kinda kills some of the realism... but I was so busy mowing down hordes of Russians to stop them from capturing the White House that I hardly noticed.

The one level of the game that made me drop my jaw was one called "No Russian", in which you are an undercover CIA agent, and in order to not blow your cover, you must aid a Russian ultranationalist as he opens fire in an airport and begins to slaughter hordes of innocent people. It's almost post-modern in the way you must choose to slaughter or to sit back and not fire a single shot. The implications of this level are huge: is murder of any sort okay if it's in the name of patriotism? how far is too far? Of course, nobody will consider the thought-provoking questions raised by the game and will instead freak-the-hell-out over how "violent" this is. Great... thanks, Infinity Ward, for just *handing* the anti-game politicians a cache of free ammunition.

However, with 1,000,000 players online at any given time, it is certainly a social experience. 4.7 MILLION copies were sold in its first day alone, smashing all sorts of records, including the record for highest grossing opening weekend for a film set by The Dark Knight last year. Modern Warfare 2 has proven, more than anything, that gaming is an industry that must be taken seriously. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to slay more Russians/Portuguese rebels/Traitorous Americans.

A Warhellride with Heartbreaker, Nervewracker, and Meansucker

Wesley Willis was someone I had heard of before on YouTube. Let me get this out in the open first: his music annoys the hell out of me. As in, makes me want to gouge out my ears with golf pencils. It might even be a little bit of a stretch to call his "songs" actual "music". However, one look at the documentary below made me think.



After seeing this, I realized something was just... unique... about Willis. A quick Google search showed me that he was paranoid schizophrenic, as well as fighting leukemia. It explained his odd behavior in the documentary. For me, this documentary changed Wesley Willis from just some weird talentless hack to a man who used his "music" to escape from the demons that plagued him. If playing these songs allowed Willis to get away from the paranoia, then more power to him.

I think the point of this documentary was not to critique Willis' music one way or another, but instead was supposed to show the life and man behind the music. I have a feeling there are two types of Wesley Willis fans: the ones who treated him as a comedy act, and the ones who were there to support a lonely, tormented soul. He actually managed to gain a lot of support... not just from the Chicago community or his record label, but from other artists and performers as well.

Two of his songs were featured in rather popular pieces of culture. First, in the documentary Super Size Me, Willis' song "Rock and Roll McDonald's" made an appearance. Then, on the DVD for the Adult Swim show Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law, "Birdman Kicked My Ass" plays on the DVD menu. The game designers of the game Kingdom of Loathing feature an entire area as a tribute to Wesley, starring characters based off of the demons Wesley had named during his more serious bouts with paranoid schizophrenia: Heartbreaker, Nervewracker, and Meansucker. Musicians have paid attention to Willis, too: Katy Perry mentions him in her song "Simple", Blue Meanies had Willis on-stage to introduce them for a concert in Chicago, and People under the Stairs use a Willis lyric in their song "Outrun".

On top of the short YouTube documentary seen above, Willis also had two documentaries made about his life: the first was the 2003 The Daddy of Rock 'N' Roll which followed Willis on the bus, at Kinko's writing a song, at a concert, and more. The 2008 documentary Wesley Willis' Joy Rides focused on his impact after his death. Willis' life sincerely impacted some, fascinated others... and definitely caused him to be remembered. Maybe you hadn't heard of Wesley Willis before reading this blog or watching this video, but chances are... you'll remember him now.

G-20 x 5

The G-20 summit is nigh, and apparently, so is the apocalypse. While summit leaders will discuss how to stabilize the global economy in Pittsburgh, protesters and rioters are already lining the streets to wreak havoc on the assembly. According to CBS News, some businesses are already boarding up their windows.

I found five different news outlets reporting on this. In addition to NPR and CBS, local affiliate WRAL and the London Times have reported on the story. Oh, and don't forget Reuters. Everyone seems to be focusing on the actual on-goings of the summit, except for CBS, who is reporting pretty much solely on the violence expected at the summit. Ah, sensationalism at its finest.

I found that the radio report on the summit seemed very even-handed and optimistic, whereas the CBS television report was more focused on the dramatic imagery of the violent protest from the last G-20 in Chicago. The text reports all seemed to be very even-handed as well. I suppose the radio report allowed for interviews and such, and the television report was focused on the violence because they could get a visceral reaction from the viewer that way. All of them seemed to use fairly standard journalist language, and since this is reporting on an event, most of them didn't use a lot of quotes or interviews. The TV report actually had the most interviews with Pittsburgh police and security officials, whereas the rest of the reports seemed to be "fluff".

I don't mean "fluff" as in the typical use of "Oh! Look! Some Grandma Downtown just made the world's largest bowl of chili!" Quite frankly, fluff stories to me are ones that don't drum up any talk, thought, or controversy and just plainly report on happenings. I know, I know: how conventional, right? But to me, this summit happening doesn't interest me... but the result of it will. I found these stories to be fairly redundant and packed with the same details over and over. *Yawn* WHERE'S MY VIOLENCE AND SEX, DAMMIT?

How To Dismantle Microsoft's Entire Marketing Campaign

When it comes down to it, whether you hate or love Apple, they have possibly the best marketing team out there. When you enter an Apple Store, it's like walking into some sci-fi set from Blade Runner. Likewise, their ads are always simple, yet effective, and pack a powerful punch. Today, I'll be talking about a specific ad from the "Get a Mac" series, called "Bean Counter".



You've no doubt seen the infamous Get a Mac ads. They're everywhere and have been around since 2006. In fact, the Get a Mac ads were doing such big damage to Microsoft's revenue, M$ had to fire back with an ad campaign of its own. The dubious "Laptop Hunter" ads had average Americans going shopping for a laptop; and of course, they all ended up buying Windows-based laptops over Apple's MacBooks. The idea is that they can find exactly what they want for cheaper than an Apple computer, and in doing so, they get it for free because Microsoft pays them for it. Of course, the ad campaign cost Microsoft over $300 million.

And that's where Apple fires back. I've actually enjoyed the volleying back and forth (though a primary rule in advertising is for the dominant party never to acknowledge the little guy). With a whole slew of new commercials, Apple completely derailed Microsoft's huge ad campaign. The point of the "Bean Counter" ad is that while they're spending millions on fighting Apple's ads, they could be using that money to actually fix the multitude of problems with Vista. In the commercial, PC is played by John Hodgman. He wears a dull suit, big glasses, and reeks of the old past. Mac is played by Justin Long and is young and hip. PC uses his computer for spreadsheets and number-crunching, Mac uses his computer for blogging, web-surfing, making videos, and music.

The stark contrast is what has worked so well for the Get a Mac campaign in the past, and now that Microsoft is actually fighting back, Apple isn't taking it lying down. They've fought back with ads like Bean Counter (above) and Elimination (below). The ads appeal to anyone who has been frustrated with Windows at any point. The one below seems more of a direct attempt to grab new customers, whereas the one above seems solely to be directed at Microsoft in an attempt to piss them off even more and take a dump all over their expensive ad campaign. The demographic I expect to be most influenced by this commercial would be the 18-34 range, since that is the age displayed by the "cool" Mac in the commercial, whereas the PC is older, probably in his 40s or 50s and is "out of touch".

The ads show no signs of slowing down, and I plan on enjoying the back and forth as it escalates. Oh, and here's the "Elimination" ad I mentioned before:

This Is Your Brain On Rachael Leigh Cooke

First, allow me to say that this :30 PSA is enough to make me never want to invite Rachael Leigh Cooke over to cook. Or do anything in my kitchen, for that matter.



The PSA was sponsored by the infamous Office of National Drug Control Policy. You know, those guys who do the PSAs about pot where the dog is so very disappointed with the kid smoking a joint. Or the one where the kid is flattened like a pancake because of weed. Or the one where the kid smokes pot and then has to take off like a thousand t-shirts. Yeah, you know them. Well, unlike their other attempts, this one is actually a PSA that's not against weed, it's against the worst drug of them all: heroin.

This is my favorite anti-drug PSA of all time for a number of reasons. First, Rachael Leigh Cooke is hot. Second, it is quite possibly the most effective PSA I've seen. The way they start out slow and cliché then ramp up the intensity always leaves me silent and stunned when I'm done watching. It has quite the emotional appeal: just look how angry she is when she's smashing the kitchen to pieces. The metaphor of the egg at first falls flat, but as she begins to shatter everything around her and calls out what she is shattering (Friends, dreams, future, etc.) you start to see the picture. The intensity displayed by Cooke is what sells the whole thing.

All PSA writers should take note: this is how you communicate a message to someone. The short message: Don't Do Heroin. The long message: You Will Royally F%$k Up Your Life If You Do Heroin. I had never really ever considered doing heroin, but after seeing this, I'm sure as hell never even letting the thought cross my mind. Age-wise, I think this PSA can appeal to all age groups. Mindset-wise, I believe this PSA will appeal to people like me who usually roll their eyes and scoff at the cutesy/clever-but-really-not-clever slogans that anti-drug PSAs try to use (I'm looking at you, cartoon dog), because it's not trying to be clever or witty about the message. This is as in-your-face as it gets, and it's very effective.

Oh, and it helps to have a super hot actress as your spokesperson.

Who Watches Big Brother?

So, let's start this off with a guilty confession: I watch Big Brother. Yes, I know, it's only like one step above The Real World, and I'd usually say that reality television is what is destroying this country (see: Rock of Love Bus aka The Rolling Brothel), but I'll be damned if Big Brother isn't one of the most addicting television shows. I enjoy the gameplay aspect of it: one giant game where people are the players and the whole world is watching. Kinda Roman Coliseum-ish, yeah?

Anyway, most of the commercials that aired were either car commercials or spots for other CBS television shows. The commercial I'm choosing to focus on, however, is a TV spot for Quentin Tarantino's newest film, Inglourious Basterds. The spot was only thirty seconds long, and featured Brad Pitt voicing over the trailer and giving the synopsis of the film: a special team is assembled, dropped into France as civilians, and their only mission is to kill Nazis. Having seen the film, I think it's a very watered down description of the actual movie, but this approach seems to be the most guaranteed way to get asses in the seats.



It's obvious that Big Brother 11 was chosen because it is the number one program on Sundays in the Adults 18-49 demographic. Seeing as how the film is rated 'R', this is exactly the demographic they want: they don't want to advertise to kids, and somehow, I don't think a film centered around a group of Nazi hunters is going to appeal to the old fogies. What I find clever, however, is that the quick TV spot makes the film appear to be an action movie. Almost every shot involves gunfire of some sort. However, the film itself is more like a character dramedy with bursts of action peppered in here and there. It goes to show you that our culture is more likely to go see a movie that guarantees they'll see Nazis getting ripped to shreds than go see a film that is about a young Jewish girl escaping Nazi persecution and striving for revenge.