Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Rating: 1/2 a star

I went to go see Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides with the idea in my head that, hey, maybe Pirates 2 & Pirates 3 sucked, but the fourth one got rid of dead weight and focused the story around the real star of the show, Captain Jack Sparrow himself. Really, I tried to give it an honest chance. About forty-five minutes into the film, I tweeted something so against my nature, that it actually hurt me a bit. Rather than giving the movie a real lashing, I tried to be as positive as I could:

"Pirates4: so far, a bit unnecessary, but all in good fun."

Then a few minutes later:

"I feel it's putting too much stock in Jack Sparrow's mass appeal in lieu of depth or three dimensional characters, though."

So, after taking a monster dump in the bathroom and tweeting the above, I trudged back into the theater and sat down to finish the movie. I honestly tried. But about the time vampire mermaids showed up, I just couldn't take it anymore. I walked outside to smoke a cigarette. I tried to convince myself to walk back into that theater. And for a moment, I did. But as I stood there, staring reluctantly at the door handles, fighting against my brain to let me go back in that theater, I realized something: I couldn't do it.

Yes, this movie became the second movie in history that I've ever walked out on (the first being The Spongebob Squarepants Movie). The film never really had a chance, which sucks for those who put so much work into this movie. I do not doubt that when Gore Verbinski and Johnny Depp got the call about doing a fourth, they rolled their eyes until Disney waved a gargantuan paycheck in front of their eyes. And don't get me wrong: this movie will make a shitload of money, based on mass appeal alone. But when it comes to the long and short of it, this was a movie that didn't need to be made, and it shows.

The film opens with "Jack Sparrow" being up for execution. Sound familiar? It should. It was the exact opening of another Pirates movie. Only, this time, it isn't really Jack - it's his first mate, and Jack has kidnapped the real judge so he can break his first mate out of jail. As if escaping out of jail wasn't enough, the jailbreak goes wrong, and they're captured by King George - only to allow Jack to escape again. I'm not sure why a double escape sequence was required, nor am I sure why having Jack's father show back up for a brief cameo (when it's not even Keith Richards) was necessary, but that pretty much set the tone for the entire film.

The plot is a sequence of events that pretty much just serve to fill time. The whole first forty-five minutes of the movie are spent treading water until the actual plot takes off, and even from there, the plot relies on callbacks and popular knowledge (see: Blackbeard) in order to progress the film. From the beginning, it's action scene, followed by rapidly explained exposition in pirate lingo, then another action scene. Which would be okay, if the action scenes were worth watching, but they are tired and played out by now. We've seen swashbuckling sword fights, we've seen Jack Sparrow swinging from ropes, and we've seen just about everything else this movie has to throw at us. The film has nothing new to offer, so even its "high points" have very little to look at of honest value.

Perhaps the biggest failing, though, is in the characters. The decision to make Jack Sparrow the main character might have seemed good on paper, but the problem lies in the fact that Captain Sparrow was never designed to be a main character. He was great comic relief when Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly were on board, but as soon as you shift the spotlight to him, it becomes clear that he lacks any depth. Sparrow is as fully fleshed out as he can get: a selfish, crafty pirate who will do what it takes to accomplish his goal. There's really nowhere to take him after that, and tossing in a new love interest in the form of Penelope Cruz does nothing more than throw in another placeholder for Kiera Knightly. Depp plays the role with just as much gusto as he did in previous films, but it fails to revive a flat character and a dead script.

This film never was a good idea. From a financial standpoint, it probably was; but from a coherence standpoint, the film never stood a chance. The film was clearly made to make money, and the producers decided the best way to do that would be to cash in on the Jack Sparrow fangirls and throw in a bunch of fight scenes. The plot was only there as a convenience. Don't bother with this movie. I walked out of this one, and for a bit of context, I sat through all of Transformers 2. At least that movie was so bad you could laugh out loud. This one is just sad.