WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S.
PRESIDENTAL CANDIDATE, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN, GIVE THE FOLLOWING
SPEECH?
'My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the
Iraq regime has been completed.
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on
this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of
all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30
days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names
of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This
list is short. The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and
Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains every one not on the first list.
Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be
distributing copies of both lists later this evening..
Let me start by saying that effective immediately,
foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and
indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty
much pay for the costs of the Iraqi20war. THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER
IT'll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS.
The American people are no longer going to pour money
into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat
on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic?
Call France.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to
redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still
have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw
with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends
from the face of the earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France
or maybe China.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic
relations with France , Germany , and Russia . Thanks for all your help,
comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bonne chance, mez amies.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin
towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more
than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be
stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty
pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets.
Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and
limos be turned over to some of the fine st chop shops in the world. I
love New York!
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2.
Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks
might want to try not pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. Its president and his entire
corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a
couple extra thousand tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess
where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the
NAFTA treaty - starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway.. Immediately, we'll
be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's
oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes
this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move
there.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and
its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by
saying, 'damn tootin.'
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent
life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just
about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in
America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. To the nations
on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you an d we won't
forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might
want to learn to speak Arabic.
God bless America . Thank you and good night.'
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are
reading it in English, thank a soldier.
(Please forward this to at least ten friends and see
what happens! Let's get this to every USA computer!)
Thursday, September 11, 2008
The 'Perfect' Inaugural Speech, As Written by the GOP...
This is an actual forwarded e-mail I received from a member of the GOP, and apparently it's going around like wildfire among the e-mailing capable members of the GOP. At first I was just like "Okay, this isn't so bad", but just read the whole thing. Are they being serious about some of this? Or are they just spreading it around as a joke.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Who Will Nolan Choose in Batman Begins 3?
Christopher Nolan has a knack for picking amazing actors to play the villains in his Batman movies. First, we were treated to Liam Neeson as Ra's al Ghul and Cillian Murphy as Dr. Jonathan "Scarecrow" Crane in Batman Begins. Then, we were blown away by the performance of Heath Ledger as the Joker, and Aaron Eckhart put out an incredible effort as Harvey "Two-Face" Dent. Now, with rumors of a third film flying around, you have to wonder... just who will Nolan choose for his villain(s) in the third film? Time to take a look at who would work, who wouldn't, and who Nolan will probably choose.
THESE GUYS ARE OUT
Penguin
As Nolan said in an interview with Esquire magazine,
Catwoman
Personally, I think Nolan could make Catwoman work incredibly well. Unfortunately, his brother has already shot down any chance of either Catwoman or Penguin making an appearance in the third film. Just imagine
The Joker
Heath Ledger, God rest him, gave the performance of a lifetime in The Dark Knight. Nolan has stated he will not be recasting the Joker, nor would he ever. So there's that one.
Two-Face
For obvious reasons evident in The Dark Knight, there's not much of a chance Two-Face could be in the third film. That's all I'll say for fear of spoiling it for one of the twelve people left out there who haven't seen The Dark Knight.
Harley Quinn
Since The Joker is kind of, you know, essential to Harley Quinn's story... and since Nolan has already gone on the record as saying he won't recast The Joker... it makes Harley Quinn's chances of showing up slim-to-none. Such a shame, too, because I think Nolan would have fun casting Harley... would he go with demented in his portrayal and nab someone like Helena Bonham Carter? Or would he go with the more striking beauty and try to get someone like Marion Cotillard or Fairuza Balk? I guess we'll never know.
THESE GUYS SHOULDN'T HAPPEN
Talia al Ghul
Somebody is going to shoot me for this one, but I think trying to bring in Talia into one movie and use her as a villain would be rather... boring. ESPECIALLY after such amazing performances from the two villains in The Dark Knight. Better to leave her dead and buried, along with Ra's.
The Riddler
As much as Joel Schumacher sucks, I think Jim Carrey provided the penultimate performance of The Riddler (TLJ as Two-Face... not so much). Not to mention, bringing in The Riddler immediately after The Joker exits stage right seems like an ill-fated move. The Riddler is a bit too similar for The Joker, not to mention there's very little places left to take The Riddler, and we don't want it to seem like re-hash now, do we? The only way I could possibly accept this is if Nolan, by some miraculous work, was able to convince Johnny Depp or Michael Emerson to sign on to the project. THEN we'd have a real villain in the works...
Poison Ivy
LEAVE. HER. DEAD. End of that.
Mr. Freeze
Thanks to Ah-Nold, I'm left with the burning image in my mind of Mr. Freeze as an Eastern European bodybuilder. Not to mention, the character of Mr. Freeze is a bit far-fetched. I don't really see how Nolan could translate Freeze into his world without completely destroying everything he has worked to build in Batman Begins and The Dark Knight.
THESE GUYS HAVE POTENTIAL
Ventriloquist
He's one of the more underrated villains in the Batman universe, and despite being corny and cheesy on the cartoons I loved so dearly as a child... there is a definite way to make him fit into the Nolan universe. Some random guy with dissociative identity disorder who never speaks unless through his ventriloquist dummy? I think Nolan could make that work, especially if we got to see someone interesting playing the part of Ventriloquist *and* doing the voice of Scarface, the Dummy. Someone like Tobin Bell... or, in a perfect world, Malcolm McDowell. It's been awhile since Malcolm has explored a psychologically deprived character like Alex from A Clockwork Orange, and Ventriloquist could really kick the series into a whole different stratosphere if done correctly.
Black Mask
Nolan may have to tweak the backstory a little bit to make it more believable, but having Black Mask as a henchman of sorts to some kind of overboss might not be such a bad idea. He's an interesting villain, or at least, he could be if done correctly.
Bane
I refuse to acknowledge the existence of Bane on film. EVER. Don't bring it up. Bane was one of Batman's most intelligent villains, as well as his most physically challenging. I've seen mentions of Javier Bardem turning up as Bane, which could work, especially if they had Bane break Batman's back and let chaos run rampant in Gotham for a year or so while Batman recovers. Then the film jumps forward, and Batman goes out to clean up the city. This could be where multiple villains pop up in the city as underbosses, and the film can climax in the fight between Bane and Batman. The biggest problem with Bane, however, is trying to top a performance like Ledger's Joker. Bardem might be able to do it, but it would require some fancy scriptwriting from the Nolan brothers.
The Hangman
Also a very overlooked villain in the Batman franchises, The Hangman could work in making Nolan's film even darker. I'd only be happy for The Hangman to appear, however, if she (yes, SHE) was in the movie with Two-Face. It's the only way to end the Hangman's storyline correctly, and plus I feel like Two-Face deserves a return. Since Hangman never really gets caught (until the end of the story), it wouldn't matter who was cast as The Hangman.
Well, that's all I've got for the time being. Nolan's going to face some pretty hard challenges in finding villains for the rumored third film. Post with your own feedback/opinions.
THESE GUYS ARE OUT
Penguin
As Nolan said in an interview with Esquire magazine,
"'I'd be more excited to have Philip Seymour Hoffman in the film than to have the Penguin. There are certain characters that are easier to mesh with the more real take on Batman we're doing. The Penguin would be tricky."I guess we won't be seeing him in a Batman movie as long as Nolan is at the helm... hey, wait a second... Hoffman as Penguin would be awesome!
Catwoman
Personally, I think Nolan could make Catwoman work incredibly well. Unfortunately, his brother has already shot down any chance of either Catwoman or Penguin making an appearance in the third film. Just imagine
The Joker
Heath Ledger, God rest him, gave the performance of a lifetime in The Dark Knight. Nolan has stated he will not be recasting the Joker, nor would he ever. So there's that one.
Two-Face
For obvious reasons evident in The Dark Knight, there's not much of a chance Two-Face could be in the third film. That's all I'll say for fear of spoiling it for one of the twelve people left out there who haven't seen The Dark Knight.
Harley Quinn
Since The Joker is kind of, you know, essential to Harley Quinn's story... and since Nolan has already gone on the record as saying he won't recast The Joker... it makes Harley Quinn's chances of showing up slim-to-none. Such a shame, too, because I think Nolan would have fun casting Harley... would he go with demented in his portrayal and nab someone like Helena Bonham Carter? Or would he go with the more striking beauty and try to get someone like Marion Cotillard or Fairuza Balk? I guess we'll never know.
THESE GUYS SHOULDN'T HAPPEN
Talia al Ghul
Somebody is going to shoot me for this one, but I think trying to bring in Talia into one movie and use her as a villain would be rather... boring. ESPECIALLY after such amazing performances from the two villains in The Dark Knight. Better to leave her dead and buried, along with Ra's.
The Riddler
As much as Joel Schumacher sucks, I think Jim Carrey provided the penultimate performance of The Riddler (TLJ as Two-Face... not so much). Not to mention, bringing in The Riddler immediately after The Joker exits stage right seems like an ill-fated move. The Riddler is a bit too similar for The Joker, not to mention there's very little places left to take The Riddler, and we don't want it to seem like re-hash now, do we? The only way I could possibly accept this is if Nolan, by some miraculous work, was able to convince Johnny Depp or Michael Emerson to sign on to the project. THEN we'd have a real villain in the works...
Poison Ivy
LEAVE. HER. DEAD. End of that.
Mr. Freeze
Thanks to Ah-Nold, I'm left with the burning image in my mind of Mr. Freeze as an Eastern European bodybuilder. Not to mention, the character of Mr. Freeze is a bit far-fetched. I don't really see how Nolan could translate Freeze into his world without completely destroying everything he has worked to build in Batman Begins and The Dark Knight.
THESE GUYS HAVE POTENTIAL
Ventriloquist
He's one of the more underrated villains in the Batman universe, and despite being corny and cheesy on the cartoons I loved so dearly as a child... there is a definite way to make him fit into the Nolan universe. Some random guy with dissociative identity disorder who never speaks unless through his ventriloquist dummy? I think Nolan could make that work, especially if we got to see someone interesting playing the part of Ventriloquist *and* doing the voice of Scarface, the Dummy. Someone like Tobin Bell... or, in a perfect world, Malcolm McDowell. It's been awhile since Malcolm has explored a psychologically deprived character like Alex from A Clockwork Orange, and Ventriloquist could really kick the series into a whole different stratosphere if done correctly.
Black Mask
Nolan may have to tweak the backstory a little bit to make it more believable, but having Black Mask as a henchman of sorts to some kind of overboss might not be such a bad idea. He's an interesting villain, or at least, he could be if done correctly.
Bane
I refuse to acknowledge the existence of Bane on film. EVER. Don't bring it up. Bane was one of Batman's most intelligent villains, as well as his most physically challenging. I've seen mentions of Javier Bardem turning up as Bane, which could work, especially if they had Bane break Batman's back and let chaos run rampant in Gotham for a year or so while Batman recovers. Then the film jumps forward, and Batman goes out to clean up the city. This could be where multiple villains pop up in the city as underbosses, and the film can climax in the fight between Bane and Batman. The biggest problem with Bane, however, is trying to top a performance like Ledger's Joker. Bardem might be able to do it, but it would require some fancy scriptwriting from the Nolan brothers.
The Hangman
Also a very overlooked villain in the Batman franchises, The Hangman could work in making Nolan's film even darker. I'd only be happy for The Hangman to appear, however, if she (yes, SHE) was in the movie with Two-Face. It's the only way to end the Hangman's storyline correctly, and plus I feel like Two-Face deserves a return. Since Hangman never really gets caught (until the end of the story), it wouldn't matter who was cast as The Hangman.
Well, that's all I've got for the time being. Nolan's going to face some pretty hard challenges in finding villains for the rumored third film. Post with your own feedback/opinions.
Friday, June 6, 2008
"Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends" by Coldplay: EARLY REVIEW
Album Review: "Viva La Vida or Death and all His Friends" - Coldplay
10/10
As I sit here staring at a blank document, I wonder a couple of things. I'm wondering how I'm going to study for my history exam tomorrow, I'm wondering if I have enough money to get more than one dollar menu cheeseburger from McDonald's, and I'm wondering if people are going to realize exactly how huge "Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends" by Coldplay is going to be.
It has been three years since we've heard from the London boys, and in that time they've gone through quite a few changes. Decked out with French Revolution imagery and splashed with oil paint, the new album lands on our doorsteps in a year without any remarkable albums - and I'm more than happy to say Coldplay have outdone themselves with this one. But before I go any further...
"Mainstream music sucks, Coldplay is for sissies, and we're a bunch of pretentious bastards. [Insert more trite jibberish here]."
There. Now I've written the Pitchfork review for the album too.
Brian Eno's influence on the album is evident from the first few seconds of the first track, "Life In Technicolor". The track opens up with some ambient loops before opening up into a grand, sweeping instrumental. Even from the lyric-less first track, the album foreshadows itself as being something to remember. The relatively short opening track quickly fades into the classic-yet-now-haunting combination of Chris Martin and the piano. Martin croons "The night over London hangs" as the boys burst into a U2-esque fit-for-an-arena anthem with "Cemeteries of London". In an almost ironic twist, the dark and gloomy track is overlayed with handclaps and chants. The song lingers for a moment after the end as Martin throws out a couple measures of more haunting piano.
The album takes a complete mood swing with "Lost!", a track driven by reggae beats and almost tribal-sounding drum beats. The song flirts with an almost cliché overtone the whole time, but still remains original. Martin sings "I just got lost/Every river that you tried to cross/Every door you ever tried was locked". Jonny Buckland's guitar work takes center stage for Coldplay's version of a guitar solo. Perhaps the biggest change on the album so far is Coldplay's shift from being the Chris Martin Show to being a full band. "42" is definitely the album centerpiece. It's a three part epic, beginning with Nightmare Before Christmas-sounding piano and vocals, changing to an industrial-sounding breakdown with screeching guitar and an overpowering bassline, then ends with everything coming together as Martin proclaims "You thought you might be a ghost/You didn't get to Heaven but you made it close". It's impossible not to see the similarities to Radiohead with this song... but I urge you not to think of it like that. The song comes around full circle as the last verse closes with just Martin and the creepy piano again, along with some trippy lyrics "Those who are dead are not dead/They're just living in my head".
After a song that intense, Coldplay let their Win Butler-show with "Lovers In Japan", a song that borrows heavily from Arcade Fire's "Funeral". Perhaps most evident here is Martin's improved songwriting ability as he yells "They are turning my head out/To see what I'm all about", sounding almost like Coldplay's subtle stab at the government. "Lovers In Japan" definitively ends and the second song on the track, "Reign Of Love", promptly begins with Martin's peaceful, rippling piano. This is the one song on the album where Coldplay return to their "Parachutes" roots, as if just to say "Yeah, we've still got that, too". Damn right they do.
"Yes" is just past the halfway mark on the album. Martin's low register vocals and the Eastern sounding instruments set the stage for Coldplay's very mature take on sex, a subject completely non-existant on Coldplay's albums until now. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that Martin was a virgin until age 22? Even still, it's at this point you realize the album seems to be Coldplay trying to be everything to everyone and passing with flying colors. Not only could they never decide on the official title of the album, they apparently couldn't decide which musical genre to go with. The hidden track "Chinese Sleep Chant" is perhaps the only flaw on the album. Martin mumbles incoherently under overpowering guitars that doesn't fail so much as it falls off in comparison with the rest of the album.
"Viva La Vida" is perhaps the one song everybody has heard by now thanks to a certain iTunes advertisement and Apple's penchant for flooding the major TV stations with their commercials. The song is certainly a titan, even after hearing it for weeks before the album's official release. Here, the band employs the use of bells, nifty little synthesizers, and a large string section to tell the tale of a dethroned, greedy King, who now has to "sleep alone" and "sweep the streets [he] used to own". "Viva La Vida" is perhaps the most focused track on the album, and also is the strongest use of Martin's religious imagery found almost everywhere on the album. The first single from the album "Violet Hill" is next on the list, and honestly after hearing the rest of the album it's kind of a low point. It's safe to say "Violet Hill" is the song most unlike the rest of the songs, with Martin writing somewhat cliché lyrics and the boys in the band half-assing it with their parts. Fortunately for Coldplay, even when they half-ass it, it sounds amazing.
"Strawberry Swing" is where Will Champion, drummer, steps forward and shows just how much he's improved. The African-sounding drums provide the backbone to Jonny's sweeping, even "swinging" (lolpun) guitar in the background. Martin paints the picture of summer, singing about a perfect day spent staring at the sky, be it grey or blue. Lyrics aside, the rest of the band arguably outshines Martin for the first time in the history of the band, finally fulfilling the long time request of most Coldplay fans: "Be a band, not three guys and a guy who's married to Gwenyth Paltrow". The album ends on a high note with "Death and All His Friends" as Martin serenades the ear with a beautiful piano ballad. The song breaks down after a bit, borrowing a tiny smidge from the band's opener from "A Rush of Blood to the Head", "Politik". The song wraps up as Martin joins in with a male choir screaming out "I don't want to battle from beginning to end/I don't want a cycle of recycled revenge/I don't wanna follow death and all of his friends". In a symbolic manner the song talks about not wanting to die, and the hidden track "The Escapist" comes in to describe finally "making our escape". The last hidden track takes the sample loop from the beginning of "Life in Technicolor", closing the album on the same note on which it started.
If you want to spring for the iTunes version of the album, you'll get acoustic versions of "Lost!" and "Lovers In Japan" that will knock your socks off as well. Not only is this my pick for the best album of this year so far, it's my pick for the best album I've heard since "Funeral" by Arcade Fire. After the "X&Y" debacle, it's finally acceptable to be a Coldplay fan again. I think the 40-Year-Old Virgin joke is old now, isn't it? In any case, if you're not a Coldplay fan yet, you need to either become one fast or move to a different planet, because they're about to take over in ways we can't even imagine. People have been speculating about who the next global phenom will be to follow in the footsteps of the greats like U2, Rolling Stones, or Zeppelin. Coldplay have answered that burning question for us with "Viva La Vida and Death and All His Friends". From the ingenious use of religious imagery to the incredible range of musical styles, this is one for the album. U2 can finally pass off their "Biggest Band in the World" torch. All hail Coldplay.
ALBUM RATING: 10
SONG RATINGS:
LIFE IN TECHNICOLOR: 10
CEMETERIES OF LONDON: 10
LOST!: 9
42: 10
LOVERS IN JAPAN: 10
REIGN OF LOVE: 10
YES: 10
CHINESE SLEEP CHANT: 8
VIVA LA VIDA: 10
VIOLET HILL: 8
STRAWBERRY SWING: 10
DEATH AND ALL HIS FRIENDS: 10
THE ESCAPIST: 9
10/10
As I sit here staring at a blank document, I wonder a couple of things. I'm wondering how I'm going to study for my history exam tomorrow, I'm wondering if I have enough money to get more than one dollar menu cheeseburger from McDonald's, and I'm wondering if people are going to realize exactly how huge "Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends" by Coldplay is going to be.
It has been three years since we've heard from the London boys, and in that time they've gone through quite a few changes. Decked out with French Revolution imagery and splashed with oil paint, the new album lands on our doorsteps in a year without any remarkable albums - and I'm more than happy to say Coldplay have outdone themselves with this one. But before I go any further...
"Mainstream music sucks, Coldplay is for sissies, and we're a bunch of pretentious bastards. [Insert more trite jibberish here]."
There. Now I've written the Pitchfork review for the album too.
Brian Eno's influence on the album is evident from the first few seconds of the first track, "Life In Technicolor". The track opens up with some ambient loops before opening up into a grand, sweeping instrumental. Even from the lyric-less first track, the album foreshadows itself as being something to remember. The relatively short opening track quickly fades into the classic-yet-now-haunting combination of Chris Martin and the piano. Martin croons "The night over London hangs" as the boys burst into a U2-esque fit-for-an-arena anthem with "Cemeteries of London". In an almost ironic twist, the dark and gloomy track is overlayed with handclaps and chants. The song lingers for a moment after the end as Martin throws out a couple measures of more haunting piano.
The album takes a complete mood swing with "Lost!", a track driven by reggae beats and almost tribal-sounding drum beats. The song flirts with an almost cliché overtone the whole time, but still remains original. Martin sings "I just got lost/Every river that you tried to cross/Every door you ever tried was locked". Jonny Buckland's guitar work takes center stage for Coldplay's version of a guitar solo. Perhaps the biggest change on the album so far is Coldplay's shift from being the Chris Martin Show to being a full band. "42" is definitely the album centerpiece. It's a three part epic, beginning with Nightmare Before Christmas-sounding piano and vocals, changing to an industrial-sounding breakdown with screeching guitar and an overpowering bassline, then ends with everything coming together as Martin proclaims "You thought you might be a ghost/You didn't get to Heaven but you made it close". It's impossible not to see the similarities to Radiohead with this song... but I urge you not to think of it like that. The song comes around full circle as the last verse closes with just Martin and the creepy piano again, along with some trippy lyrics "Those who are dead are not dead/They're just living in my head".
After a song that intense, Coldplay let their Win Butler-show with "Lovers In Japan", a song that borrows heavily from Arcade Fire's "Funeral". Perhaps most evident here is Martin's improved songwriting ability as he yells "They are turning my head out/To see what I'm all about", sounding almost like Coldplay's subtle stab at the government. "Lovers In Japan" definitively ends and the second song on the track, "Reign Of Love", promptly begins with Martin's peaceful, rippling piano. This is the one song on the album where Coldplay return to their "Parachutes" roots, as if just to say "Yeah, we've still got that, too". Damn right they do.
"Yes" is just past the halfway mark on the album. Martin's low register vocals and the Eastern sounding instruments set the stage for Coldplay's very mature take on sex, a subject completely non-existant on Coldplay's albums until now. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that Martin was a virgin until age 22? Even still, it's at this point you realize the album seems to be Coldplay trying to be everything to everyone and passing with flying colors. Not only could they never decide on the official title of the album, they apparently couldn't decide which musical genre to go with. The hidden track "Chinese Sleep Chant" is perhaps the only flaw on the album. Martin mumbles incoherently under overpowering guitars that doesn't fail so much as it falls off in comparison with the rest of the album.
"Viva La Vida" is perhaps the one song everybody has heard by now thanks to a certain iTunes advertisement and Apple's penchant for flooding the major TV stations with their commercials. The song is certainly a titan, even after hearing it for weeks before the album's official release. Here, the band employs the use of bells, nifty little synthesizers, and a large string section to tell the tale of a dethroned, greedy King, who now has to "sleep alone" and "sweep the streets [he] used to own". "Viva La Vida" is perhaps the most focused track on the album, and also is the strongest use of Martin's religious imagery found almost everywhere on the album. The first single from the album "Violet Hill" is next on the list, and honestly after hearing the rest of the album it's kind of a low point. It's safe to say "Violet Hill" is the song most unlike the rest of the songs, with Martin writing somewhat cliché lyrics and the boys in the band half-assing it with their parts. Fortunately for Coldplay, even when they half-ass it, it sounds amazing.
"Strawberry Swing" is where Will Champion, drummer, steps forward and shows just how much he's improved. The African-sounding drums provide the backbone to Jonny's sweeping, even "swinging" (lolpun) guitar in the background. Martin paints the picture of summer, singing about a perfect day spent staring at the sky, be it grey or blue. Lyrics aside, the rest of the band arguably outshines Martin for the first time in the history of the band, finally fulfilling the long time request of most Coldplay fans: "Be a band, not three guys and a guy who's married to Gwenyth Paltrow". The album ends on a high note with "Death and All His Friends" as Martin serenades the ear with a beautiful piano ballad. The song breaks down after a bit, borrowing a tiny smidge from the band's opener from "A Rush of Blood to the Head", "Politik". The song wraps up as Martin joins in with a male choir screaming out "I don't want to battle from beginning to end/I don't want a cycle of recycled revenge/I don't wanna follow death and all of his friends". In a symbolic manner the song talks about not wanting to die, and the hidden track "The Escapist" comes in to describe finally "making our escape". The last hidden track takes the sample loop from the beginning of "Life in Technicolor", closing the album on the same note on which it started.
If you want to spring for the iTunes version of the album, you'll get acoustic versions of "Lost!" and "Lovers In Japan" that will knock your socks off as well. Not only is this my pick for the best album of this year so far, it's my pick for the best album I've heard since "Funeral" by Arcade Fire. After the "X&Y" debacle, it's finally acceptable to be a Coldplay fan again. I think the 40-Year-Old Virgin joke is old now, isn't it? In any case, if you're not a Coldplay fan yet, you need to either become one fast or move to a different planet, because they're about to take over in ways we can't even imagine. People have been speculating about who the next global phenom will be to follow in the footsteps of the greats like U2, Rolling Stones, or Zeppelin. Coldplay have answered that burning question for us with "Viva La Vida and Death and All His Friends". From the ingenious use of religious imagery to the incredible range of musical styles, this is one for the album. U2 can finally pass off their "Biggest Band in the World" torch. All hail Coldplay.
ALBUM RATING: 10
SONG RATINGS:
LIFE IN TECHNICOLOR: 10
CEMETERIES OF LONDON: 10
LOST!: 9
42: 10
LOVERS IN JAPAN: 10
REIGN OF LOVE: 10
YES: 10
CHINESE SLEEP CHANT: 8
VIVA LA VIDA: 10
VIOLET HILL: 8
STRAWBERRY SWING: 10
DEATH AND ALL HIS FRIENDS: 10
THE ESCAPIST: 9
Monday, April 21, 2008
Retro Review: "Funeral" by Arcade Fire
This Canadian sextet flew under the radar until 2004, when they exploded onto the scene with their debut LP, Funeral. From the moment I first listened to these guys, I realized this was something special. A few openers for U2, an endorsement from Chris Martin as "the greatest band in the history of music", a TIME magazine cover story, and a debut at #2 on Billboard's sales chart launched them into the spotlight and brought us last year's Album of the Year, Neon Bible.
But without Funeral, there would be no Neon Bible. I can't think of any other debut album that blew me away this much, at least not off the top of my head. It received rave reviews from tons of media outlets, including a 9.7 from the notoriously elitist and harsh Pitchfork media. So what makes this album so great? It's the layers. All of the band's. talent, creativity, anger, mournfulness, sorrow, pain, and frustration is interwoven into the music. Every riff, every syllable, every bass line, every drum beat can be broken down and analyzed time after time, giving the album unlimited replay-ability.
The album opener, "Neighbourhood #1 (Tunnels)", rattles the album to life with all the majesty of the first scene in a spectacular broadway show. The swirling pianos enter stage right, the waving strings enter stage left, and Win's voice solidifies the song. It's a perfect opener, giving the listener a peek at what Arcade Fire has in store for them. This was the first song I ever heard by Arcade Fire, and all I could think when I heard it was "The potential for epic here is massive".
Funeral continues its triumphant march through the unique-but-now-familiar sound of "Neighbourhood #2 (Laika)". Accordions, among other unique instruments, make the band's second track a hit. The lyrics are simple yet complex, telling the story of a boy named Alex and his attempt to escape the confines of his neighbourhood. The album soars onward from there, giving us a change of pace with "Une Année Sans Lumiére", where the band gives Regine a chance to sing to us about her homeland-in-turmoil Haiti.
The album then hits one of its highest points as the made-for-arenas “Neighbourhood #3 (Power Out)” explodes through the speakers with a menacing guitar assault. The song continues to build up to an incredible conclusion, and you can literally feel the sincerity and passion of each instrument being played and each word being sung. Butler’s complex lyrics regarding dealing with loss and apathy in the world does not leave us without hope, he instead gives us a call to arms in the chorus (“And the power’s out in the heart of man/ Take it from your heart, put it in your hand”) arouses intense feelings from a wide range of emotions every time I listen to it. To this day, Power Out remains one of their top three songs, and it’s obvious to hear why.
“Neighbourhood #4 (7 Kettles)” finishes the “neighborhood” imagery on the album, and still remains one of my favorite songs lyrically. A beautiful string arrangement and acoustic guitar provide the backing for this song, but Win’s vocals really take the front stage. Tragic and poetic lyrics talk about watching time pass while hoping for change, and not getting anything but death (“Time keeps creeping through the neighborhood/ Killing old folks, waking up babies just like we knew it would”). The song goes on to talk about the way people (as individuals) seem to have lost the true meaning of life and faith, as is made evident when Win sings “There’s some Spirit I used to know/ That’s been drowned out by the radio”. Such a beautiful song that often goes overlooked on the album.
After the remarkable first five tracks, “Crown of Love” comes along and really slows things down. It’s not a bad song by any means, but it’s just not Arcade Fire’s best. Still a great listen, though, as a constantly cycling pianos and violins cast a haunting shadow on Win Butler’s entrancing vocals and it features truly one of the better string arrangements the group has ever done.
“Wake Up” is perhaps the most uncharacteristically Arcade Fire-ish song on the album, as it is dominated by an overarching drum beat and a distorted guitar riff that repeats throughout the whole song. Win’s vocals aren’t as haunting as chilling as before, now they are more defiant and angered. Win lashes out in a sense against those in society who have taught him not to feel and to become completely numb. The lyrics tell the story of a child who is told not to feel emotions or cry, and as he grows up his heart fills up with nothing but apathy, and his apathy gets the best of him as Win screams out to a generation “We’re just a million little gods causing rainstorms/ Turning every good thing to rust”. It’s another one of those wake up calls to our society, and the track is aptly named.
“Haiti” is sung in part English and part French, but entirely by Regine. Her voice is beautiful and poignant, providing us with a harrowing look into the horrors of living in Haiti, the country her parents fled from in the 1960’s.
The single strongest track on this album, and the resident album titan is “Rebellion (Lies)” by Arcade Fire. A hard, driving bassline and drum beat really propel this song forward from the start, until we are introduced to an intoxicating piano that drones on for the entire song. Win gently warns us in the song not to buy into the lies and scare stories that society tell us, and that everything isn’t quite as bad as it seems. Perhaps the single most addicting part of this song comes when Win croons “Everytime you close your eyes” with a spirited response from a slightly off-pitch choir screaming out “Lies! Lies!” The back and forth is quite astonishing, and the rest of the song and the conclusion are simply breathtaking.
The final song on the album, “In the Backseat”, features a lingering piano arrangement blanketed on top of Regine’s moving vocals. The song talks simply about growing up when tragedy strikes and thus “learning to drive” after years of enjoying “the peace in the backseat”. A beautiful string arrangement overpowers the end of the song in a good way, building up to a collaboration of instruments literally drowning out Regine’s tale of tragedy. It’s quite poetic from a musical, as well as lyrical, standpoint. If you ever listen to this song when you’re down and don’t feel like shedding a tear, you don’t have a heart.
The album as a whole is a slightly upbeat and lighthearted look at tragedy, as it was influenced by three deaths of relatives of bandmembers. Arcade Fire avoids the “emo” pitfalls that most bands fall into when talking about death and manages to not only create deep and thought-provoking lyrics, but also create melodies and arrangements that are completely unique and original. There has never been anybody quite like Arcade Fire, and, in my personal opinion, there never will be.
TRACK RATING BREAKDOWN:
Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels) – 5
Neighborhood #2 (Laika) – 5
Une Année Sans Lumiére – 4
Neighborhood #3 (Power Out) – 5
Neighborhood #4 (7 Kettles) – 5
Crown of Love – 4
Wake Up – 5
Haiti – 5
Rebellion (Lies) – 5
In The Back Seat – 5
AVERAGE SONG SCORE: 4.8 out of 5
But without Funeral, there would be no Neon Bible. I can't think of any other debut album that blew me away this much, at least not off the top of my head. It received rave reviews from tons of media outlets, including a 9.7 from the notoriously elitist and harsh Pitchfork media. So what makes this album so great? It's the layers. All of the band's. talent, creativity, anger, mournfulness, sorrow, pain, and frustration is interwoven into the music. Every riff, every syllable, every bass line, every drum beat can be broken down and analyzed time after time, giving the album unlimited replay-ability.
The album opener, "Neighbourhood #1 (Tunnels)", rattles the album to life with all the majesty of the first scene in a spectacular broadway show. The swirling pianos enter stage right, the waving strings enter stage left, and Win's voice solidifies the song. It's a perfect opener, giving the listener a peek at what Arcade Fire has in store for them. This was the first song I ever heard by Arcade Fire, and all I could think when I heard it was "The potential for epic here is massive".
Funeral continues its triumphant march through the unique-but-now-familiar sound of "Neighbourhood #2 (Laika)". Accordions, among other unique instruments, make the band's second track a hit. The lyrics are simple yet complex, telling the story of a boy named Alex and his attempt to escape the confines of his neighbourhood. The album soars onward from there, giving us a change of pace with "Une Année Sans Lumiére", where the band gives Regine a chance to sing to us about her homeland-in-turmoil Haiti.
The album then hits one of its highest points as the made-for-arenas “Neighbourhood #3 (Power Out)” explodes through the speakers with a menacing guitar assault. The song continues to build up to an incredible conclusion, and you can literally feel the sincerity and passion of each instrument being played and each word being sung. Butler’s complex lyrics regarding dealing with loss and apathy in the world does not leave us without hope, he instead gives us a call to arms in the chorus (“And the power’s out in the heart of man/ Take it from your heart, put it in your hand”) arouses intense feelings from a wide range of emotions every time I listen to it. To this day, Power Out remains one of their top three songs, and it’s obvious to hear why.
“Neighbourhood #4 (7 Kettles)” finishes the “neighborhood” imagery on the album, and still remains one of my favorite songs lyrically. A beautiful string arrangement and acoustic guitar provide the backing for this song, but Win’s vocals really take the front stage. Tragic and poetic lyrics talk about watching time pass while hoping for change, and not getting anything but death (“Time keeps creeping through the neighborhood/ Killing old folks, waking up babies just like we knew it would”). The song goes on to talk about the way people (as individuals) seem to have lost the true meaning of life and faith, as is made evident when Win sings “There’s some Spirit I used to know/ That’s been drowned out by the radio”. Such a beautiful song that often goes overlooked on the album.
After the remarkable first five tracks, “Crown of Love” comes along and really slows things down. It’s not a bad song by any means, but it’s just not Arcade Fire’s best. Still a great listen, though, as a constantly cycling pianos and violins cast a haunting shadow on Win Butler’s entrancing vocals and it features truly one of the better string arrangements the group has ever done.
“Wake Up” is perhaps the most uncharacteristically Arcade Fire-ish song on the album, as it is dominated by an overarching drum beat and a distorted guitar riff that repeats throughout the whole song. Win’s vocals aren’t as haunting as chilling as before, now they are more defiant and angered. Win lashes out in a sense against those in society who have taught him not to feel and to become completely numb. The lyrics tell the story of a child who is told not to feel emotions or cry, and as he grows up his heart fills up with nothing but apathy, and his apathy gets the best of him as Win screams out to a generation “We’re just a million little gods causing rainstorms/ Turning every good thing to rust”. It’s another one of those wake up calls to our society, and the track is aptly named.
“Haiti” is sung in part English and part French, but entirely by Regine. Her voice is beautiful and poignant, providing us with a harrowing look into the horrors of living in Haiti, the country her parents fled from in the 1960’s.
The single strongest track on this album, and the resident album titan is “Rebellion (Lies)” by Arcade Fire. A hard, driving bassline and drum beat really propel this song forward from the start, until we are introduced to an intoxicating piano that drones on for the entire song. Win gently warns us in the song not to buy into the lies and scare stories that society tell us, and that everything isn’t quite as bad as it seems. Perhaps the single most addicting part of this song comes when Win croons “Everytime you close your eyes” with a spirited response from a slightly off-pitch choir screaming out “Lies! Lies!” The back and forth is quite astonishing, and the rest of the song and the conclusion are simply breathtaking.
The final song on the album, “In the Backseat”, features a lingering piano arrangement blanketed on top of Regine’s moving vocals. The song talks simply about growing up when tragedy strikes and thus “learning to drive” after years of enjoying “the peace in the backseat”. A beautiful string arrangement overpowers the end of the song in a good way, building up to a collaboration of instruments literally drowning out Regine’s tale of tragedy. It’s quite poetic from a musical, as well as lyrical, standpoint. If you ever listen to this song when you’re down and don’t feel like shedding a tear, you don’t have a heart.
The album as a whole is a slightly upbeat and lighthearted look at tragedy, as it was influenced by three deaths of relatives of bandmembers. Arcade Fire avoids the “emo” pitfalls that most bands fall into when talking about death and manages to not only create deep and thought-provoking lyrics, but also create melodies and arrangements that are completely unique and original. There has never been anybody quite like Arcade Fire, and, in my personal opinion, there never will be.
TRACK RATING BREAKDOWN:
Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels) – 5
Neighborhood #2 (Laika) – 5
Une Année Sans Lumiére – 4
Neighborhood #3 (Power Out) – 5
Neighborhood #4 (7 Kettles) – 5
Crown of Love – 4
Wake Up – 5
Haiti – 5
Rebellion (Lies) – 5
In The Back Seat – 5
AVERAGE SONG SCORE: 4.8 out of 5
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Top 40 Radiohead Songs
This has been sitting around on my desktop for weeks, figured I might as well post it.
1. Karma Police
2. Paranoid Android
3. Creep
4. 2+2=5 (The Lukewarm)
5. 15 Step
6. Lucky
7. Everything In Its Right Place
8. All I Need
9. Idioteque
10. Videotape
11. Morning Bell
12. Fake Plastic Trees
13. Exit Music (For A Film)
14. Go to Sleep.
15. Weird Fishes/Arpeggi
16. High and Dry
17. Airbag
18. Pyramid Song
19. The National Anthem
20. Motion Picture Soundtrack
21. Subterranean Homesick Alien
22. Bodysnatchers
23. A Wolf at the Door
24. Bullet Proof…I Wish I Was
25. Myxomatosis
26. How to Disappear Completely
27. Nude
28. Morning Bell/Amnesiac
29. Reckoner
30. Like Spinning Plates
31. There There.
32. Sit Down. Stand up.
33. No Surprises
34. Knives Out
35. Pulk/Pull Revolving Doors
36. Street Spirit (Fade Out)
37. Packt Like Sardines in a Crushd Tin Box
38. Black Star
39. You and Whose Army?
40. In Limbo
1. Karma Police
2. Paranoid Android
3. Creep
4. 2+2=5 (The Lukewarm)
5. 15 Step
6. Lucky
7. Everything In Its Right Place
8. All I Need
9. Idioteque
10. Videotape
11. Morning Bell
12. Fake Plastic Trees
13. Exit Music (For A Film)
14. Go to Sleep.
15. Weird Fishes/Arpeggi
16. High and Dry
17. Airbag
18. Pyramid Song
19. The National Anthem
20. Motion Picture Soundtrack
21. Subterranean Homesick Alien
22. Bodysnatchers
23. A Wolf at the Door
24. Bullet Proof…I Wish I Was
25. Myxomatosis
26. How to Disappear Completely
27. Nude
28. Morning Bell/Amnesiac
29. Reckoner
30. Like Spinning Plates
31. There There.
32. Sit Down. Stand up.
33. No Surprises
34. Knives Out
35. Pulk/Pull Revolving Doors
36. Street Spirit (Fade Out)
37. Packt Like Sardines in a Crushd Tin Box
38. Black Star
39. You and Whose Army?
40. In Limbo
Best to Worst: Radiohead Albums
BEST TO WORST: RADIOHEAD ALBUMS (Statistical Breakdown)
1. OK Computer
Best Song : Karma Police
Worst Song : Electioneering
Total Songs : 12
Total Stars : 51
Average Song Rating : 4.3
2. In Rainbows
Best Song : 15 Step
Worst Song: Faust Arp
Total Songs : 10
Total Stars : 41
***Average Song Rating : 4.1***
3. Kid A
Best Song : Everything In Its Right Place
Worst Song: Kid A
Total Songs : 10
Total Stars : 39
***Average Song Rating : 3.9***
4. Amnesiac
Best Song : Pyramid Song
Worst Song : Hunting Bears
Total Songs : 11
Total Stars : 41
***Average Song Rating : 3.7***
5. Hail to the Thief
Best Song : 2+2=5
Worst Song : The Gloaming
Total Songs : 14
Total Stars : 52
***Average Song Rating : 3.7***
6. The Bends
Best Song : Fake Plastic Trees
Worst Song : Bones
Total Songs : 12
Total Stars : 42
***Average Song Rating : 3.5***
7. Pablo Honey
Best Song : Creep
Worst Song : Prove Yourself
Total Songs : 12
Total Stars : 35
***Average Song Rating : 2.9***
1. OK Computer
Best Song : Karma Police
Worst Song : Electioneering
Total Songs : 12
Total Stars : 51
Average Song Rating : 4.3
2. In Rainbows
Best Song : 15 Step
Worst Song: Faust Arp
Total Songs : 10
Total Stars : 41
***Average Song Rating : 4.1***
3. Kid A
Best Song : Everything In Its Right Place
Worst Song: Kid A
Total Songs : 10
Total Stars : 39
***Average Song Rating : 3.9***
4. Amnesiac
Best Song : Pyramid Song
Worst Song : Hunting Bears
Total Songs : 11
Total Stars : 41
***Average Song Rating : 3.7***
5. Hail to the Thief
Best Song : 2+2=5
Worst Song : The Gloaming
Total Songs : 14
Total Stars : 52
***Average Song Rating : 3.7***
6. The Bends
Best Song : Fake Plastic Trees
Worst Song : Bones
Total Songs : 12
Total Stars : 42
***Average Song Rating : 3.5***
7. Pablo Honey
Best Song : Creep
Worst Song : Prove Yourself
Total Songs : 12
Total Stars : 35
***Average Song Rating : 2.9***
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Xbox Live Rips Me Off for 1240 Gamer Points
Just a quick word of warning to everyone out there:
If you, like me, do not have Xbox Live access but still want to download content for games, you're out of luck. I recently went to my friend's dorm since he has internet access to download two Rock Band packs, the Grateful Dead pack for 800 points and the Nine Inch Nails pack for 440 points.
Apparently, even though I used my harddrive to download the songs, I cannot use the songs on my console unless I am connected to Xbox Live. This makes things hard for me, seeing as how I do not have Xbox Live connection.
I talked to a "customer support agent", who simply told me that 1) The songs are registered to my friend's console, 2) I cannot redownload the packs on my console, and 3) They cannot refund me any money or gamer points. I even asked to be refunded 1000 Gamerpoints via gift card, not even the full 1240 they owe me, and I was told no. So I got connected to a supervisor, and she just told me the same thing.
So now I'm screwed until my lease is up and I can find an apartment with an actual connection to the network. Just a warning to anyone who is in a similar situation to me - don't get criminally robbed by Microsoft and their shady TOS.
If you, like me, do not have Xbox Live access but still want to download content for games, you're out of luck. I recently went to my friend's dorm since he has internet access to download two Rock Band packs, the Grateful Dead pack for 800 points and the Nine Inch Nails pack for 440 points.
Apparently, even though I used my harddrive to download the songs, I cannot use the songs on my console unless I am connected to Xbox Live. This makes things hard for me, seeing as how I do not have Xbox Live connection.
I talked to a "customer support agent", who simply told me that 1) The songs are registered to my friend's console, 2) I cannot redownload the packs on my console, and 3) They cannot refund me any money or gamer points. I even asked to be refunded 1000 Gamerpoints via gift card, not even the full 1240 they owe me, and I was told no. So I got connected to a supervisor, and she just told me the same thing.
So now I'm screwed until my lease is up and I can find an apartment with an actual connection to the network. Just a warning to anyone who is in a similar situation to me - don't get criminally robbed by Microsoft and their shady TOS.
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